Centuries ago, during
the dawn of the red moon,
our peaceful hamlet
was terrorized by a beast...
born not of man, but spewed forth
from the fieriest pits of Hades...
with an evil fueled by a hatred
of men and a love of women.
Its name: Carmilla, the vampire queen.
No one could defeat her, save one man:
A baron away for decades
fighting in the Crusades.
Upon his return, the baron found
that Carmilla's desires
had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva,
and turned her into
a lover of the vagine.
No!
Consumed with vengeance,
the baron pledged to destroy Carmilla
and flee the village.
He unearthed the sacred
Books of Nekros,
where he discovered
the only way of slaying
this unholy harpy, once and for all,
was to forge a sacred sword,
a weapon blessed with
an ancient Babylonian hex...
and infused with his own blood.
Without fear,
he confronted Carmilla.
But before the baron
could strike the fatal blow,
Carmilla laid down a curse most vile.
As you strike me down,
so you shall release evil
within me into your daughters
and your daughters' daughters,
and they shall not rest
until your bloodline's ended.
They will know your breed
by these marks above your heart.
And when the life's blood
of the last of your line
mixes with that of a virgin girl,
I shall rise again, more powerful
than you will ever imagine.
And with that, he lopped
her fucking head off.
Henceforth,
every woman in our village,
upon her 18th birthday,
is turned by the curse
and reborn a lesbian vampire.
Our only salvation is a prophecy
that foretells of the day
when the last descendent
of the baron's bloodline
shall return to this hamlet and vanquish
Carmilla's curse forever.
That time... has begun.
- I'm not happy, Jimmy.
- Why? What did I do wrong?
Things are different now
to how they used to be.
I just don't love you anymore.
No, I love you.
I'm just not in love with you.
- You know I'll always love you.
- You say that every time you dump me.
I don't dump you, Jimmy.
I just take time out
to re-evaluate the parameters
of our relationship.
That's what makes us so strong together.
If we're that strong together,
why are you dumping me... again?
I'm not dumping you. I just think
we're stronger together apart.
That doesn't make
grammatical sense, so...
Feel it with your heart,
and know what I'm saying is true.
- So... you are dumping me?
- No.
But, also in a sense, yes.
- Yes!
- Shit.
I'm not happy, Fletch.
I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi.
Your bestjust isn't good enough.
- What more do you want me to do?
- I don't know.
- This has to be the end of the line.
- What?
- What did I do wrong?
- You punched him in the face.
You know what I get like when people
mess with my shit. He had it coming.
He was 7.
You're a children's clown.
Old enough to know
not to go messing with my shit.
Fletch, you punched a child.
He was spraying me
with my own seltzer bottle.
- What was I supposed to do?
- Not hit him.
Then he shouldn't be spraying
my ball sac. It was only a tap.
- You gave him a bloody nose!
- I look like I pissed myself!
Christ, Fletch. I don't know
why you do these things.
I guess I just don't like kids.
I keep telling you,
they're a pre-requisite of the job.
I know. A slight problem.
Maybe I could just be
a clown for adults.
- You're fired.
- Do I get to keep the costume?
No. Drop your costume at the desk
on the way out. Goodbye, Fletch.
- Do I get this week's money?
- Goodbye, Fletch.
I've come up with a plan
for getting her back.
What, like revenge?
No, getting her back, not
"getting her back" getting her back.
Getting her back.
Number one: Take her on holiday.
Stop there.
That's just fucking stupid.
- The two of us, on our own...
- On your own?
Like when you went to Falaraki
and she dumped you and banged that
water ski instructor
with highlights and necklace?
She didn't dump me.
She told me she was just... confused.
Not that confused she couldn't
figure out where to put his cock.
- That's my bird you're talking about.
- No. No, it isn't. Not anymore.
Look, you need to get away
from all this shit.
Let us have a wacky adventure,
you and me.
I'm not gonna bum you, but I think
you could use a distraction.
Say what you like, but you cannot
deny I am incredibly distracting.
- Some might say annoying.
- And that...
I don't know.
Where do you suggest we go?
lbiza.
The sun, the sea, the sand,
clubs and fanny.
Lots and lots of fanny.
Loads and loads of fanny.
A gargantuan amount of "vajay".
All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren,
and if there's a few stragglers
who fancy a go on me, then so be it.
I can't. I'm skint.
What? I thought
you had loads saved up.
Yeah... I lent it to Judy to buy a car.
Oh, my God! Why don't you just get
"total twat" tattooed on your forehead?
Can't you see what that witch
has done to our lives?
Relied on that money for my holiday.
Our holiday, I mean.
- How much have you got?
- Um...
Uh, well...
Tricky, because
I've sort of been sacked.
- You hit another girl?
- It was a boy.
I don't want to talk about it.
So what we're essentially saying is that
neither of us can afford to go anywhere.
- Pretty much.
- Brilliant.
Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you.
- I've finally done it!
- Done what?
Get the "champers" on ice.
I'm all yours, honey.
- Oh, bloody hell.
- I've left him for good this time,
so you and me can have fun.
You've done what?
Let's celebrate. Naughty boy!
Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm his girlfriend.
Really? I'm his wife.
Right.
- Dave, get back here!
- In my defence,
I never meant for you to find out.
- I got a plan.
- Does it involve girls?
- It's cheap.
- Yeah. Does it involve girls?
Let's... go... hiking.
That... is one of the most
depressingly shitty
ideas for a holiday
I've ever heard in my life, ever.
- It's a great idea.
- You're a penis!
Wherever it lands on the map,
we go there.
Leave it to the hands of fate.
- What do you say?
- No.
- It'll be brilliant.
- It will be shit.
Let the dart show us the way.
All right, then. Fuck it.
I'm only agreeing because
I'm feeling for you right now,
and because
I'm unbelievably shit-faced.
Throw it like you mean it, McLaren.
I never heard of it.
How do you say it? Crag...
Cragwi... Cragwich?
It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.
Christ, you're a tit!
Get that?
Country air. Nothing like it.
Smells like normal air
with cow shit in it.
Exactly. Nothing like the
pervading stench of faeces
to take your mind off your troubles.
Have you brought anything besides beer?
You're expecting a
water bomb fight or something?
- Hello?
- Jimmy, it's me.
- Judy?
- Yes! Look, Jimmy.
I've been thinking, and I realise
I've made a terrible mistake.
I want to come back, Jimmy.
I... love you.
- What?
- I love you!
Hello?
I can't hear... Hello?
Judy?
I'll drive to meet you.
We can talk, the two of us.
We can work everything out.
When I get there,
you can wear my panties.
- Why'd you do that?
- We are here to hike.
But... I can't fucking believe
you just done that!
OK, maybe I did overreact
a bit, and I'm sorry.
I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim...
Jim!
Hold up a minute.
Can't we take a little rest?
I'm getting a stitch.
We've only been walking
for 3 minutes.
Yeah, but you're not walking.
You're virtually running.
It's like you're in a mood with me.
- I can't imagine why. Can you?
- You're getting a real attitude.
- Oh, fuck off.
- No, you fuck off.
I've dragged my arse
to some leafy shit-hole
I can't even pronounce, for you,
and look how ungrateful you're being.
Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone
whilst Judy was trying to make up.
What? Like the last 7 times?
You're a mental case holding out
for that serial dumper
to have you back for the... drum roll,
please... 8th fucking time.
That's why we're here
rather than somewhere
it might be remotely possible
to engage a solitary woman
in so much as a polite conversation.
- There might be girls.
- Will there? Balls.
What are the chances?
Come on, Jim.
They came from there.
- Yeah. So?
- "So"?
Are you some kind of eunuch
or something?
Not bad enough that woman's robbed you
of brains, but testicles and all.
I'm sorry.
I'm claiming your testicles back.
No... Not that I literally
want your test...
That's just sick. Look.
They're just the beginning.
These small, rural places
are renowned for breeding
the créme de la créme of the
female form. It's the fresh air.
They go a bundle for city boys like
you and me. Impressive we are, mate.
I guarantee this place will be
wall to wall with rosy-cheeked
English country maidens,
like that lot, but even dirtier.
It's like some sort of medieval gay bar.
Don't sweat it.
The womenfolk are all off
braiding their hair
in some kind of naked fertility
ceremony or something.
That village green will be full
of heaving tits by sundown.
- These guys look weird.
- Just relax.
They're just blokes, like you and I.
They like a beer,
enjoy a scented candle.
They're my kind of people.
I can relate. Stick with me.
Good morrow.
2 flagons of ale, please, sir.
There you go.
Compliments of the house, lads.
Thank you.
Keep it together, mate.
Keep it together.
I'm just a bit worried
I'm going to get raped.
So how many more, Tom?
How many more?
Don't you be all high and mighty
with me, vicar.
We have to stop this madness.
- Reckon that's his daughter?
- If it's not, that's one dirty vicar.
We can't let more
innocent people die!
- Then what? Then they'll come for us!
- Oh. Hi.
Don't you see they have us already?
Our women are cursed,
and we are spineless fools
who let it happen.
I know it's hard, vicar, what with
your Rebecca turning 18...
18? Love it.
Together we can stop this.
You are either with me or against me.
What a tosser.
Who is with me?
No, it can't be.
No, that's impossible.
- It can't be you. What is your name?
- Hey, this cost 25 quid, mate!
- That is enough, Father. Enough!
- Daddy!
Come, child.
Does he know you? Have you been
hanging out with vicars?
- Never seen him before in my life.
- Sorry about that, lads.
Here you go.
No hard feelings, eh?
Sorry for the vicar.
He's a strange sort.
If you lads want a bed for the night,
there be a cottage,
the old Mircalla place,
not 2 miles down the road.
Oh, that's great, but how much is it?
- We're a bit light on the old...
- Money.
Oh, it don't cost nothing.
The doors are always open.
Any weary traveller
can expect a nice, long rest.
You, sir, are a scholar and a gent.
If there's one thing I like more
than free booze, it's a free bed.
Thank you very much.
Might be a bit
of a tight squeeze, though.
I sent some beautiful young girls
down there not too long ago.
What's wrong with it?
Come on, come on. Don't break
down on us now. Come on!
Come on! What?
- Come on!
- That'll really help, Lotte.
- We're screwed.
- Ja.
Great. We're in the middle of nowhere,
miles from anywhere.
Are you sure you put petrol in?
- Anke, for the 5th time, yes.
- Just checking.
Well, let us walk to the cottage.
We must be close.
The landlord said
it was only a few miles.
- Ja.
- We're closer to the inn.
We should go get help.
Ja. Ja.
I'm only going back there with knives.
Those men were freaky.
- I think we should stay with the van.
- Ja.
Do you hear that?
What is it?
There's something out there.
- Stop scaring us, Lotte.
- Ja.
Listen, listen!
It's coming from the roof!
- It is probably just a branch.
- A branch?
Ja.
I told you!
- Evening, ladies.
- Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
Excuse us.
Our van just broke down,
- and we were a little bit spooked.
- Seems OK now.
Anyhow, hi, I'm Lotte.
This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi.
Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. Hello, girls.
- Beer?
- Oh, ja!
Ja, ja, ja!
You're my type of girl.
The name's Fletch.
- What's your name?
- That's my man, Jimmy.
He's had his heart broken. It's tragic.
It's just tragic. Really is.
- Hello, Jimmy.
- All right.
So, what are 4 lovely ladies like
you doing here on a night like this?
We're on our way
to the Mircalla cottage.
There's an uncanny stroke of luck!
These girls are all going to the exact
same cottage that we are.
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
Great.
- Do you want to ride with us?
- Thanks. That's very nice of you.
- Oh, yeah!
- Take a seat.
When in Rome.
- Be careful. You know what happens.
- Relax. It's fine.
OK, let's go.
A couple of young fellows
were in here not an hour ago.
Directed them towards the cottage
not a couple of miles down the road.
What? Just carry on down the road?
There you go, miss. Carry straight
on down, and you can't fail to see it.
Now, she was a pretty one.
They always are, Sidney.
Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons,
every last one of them.
Pint, Jack?
- Wow. This place is amazing!
- Oh, I love it!
- Oh, cool!
- They got beers!
Can we actually move here?
- Yes!
- Yes, let's move in!
Let's party!
- We need Schnapps!
- Rack 'em up! Rack 'em up!
All right! Yes!
J man, bottoms up!
- Bottoms up!
- Cocks in.
- Oh, yummy!
- Let's dance!
This might be the best night
of my entire fucking life!
Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes? Yes?
I love hiking!
Take your clothes off!
Take your clothes off!
Do you know of Carmilla?
- Uh, no. Is that who it is?
- Yes.
Carmilla. She's why we're all here.
We're students of folklore and ancient
superstition. We're on a field trip.
This village is home to the legend
of Carmilla, the vampire queen.
- Vampire queen?
- According to legend,
she's much, much more than
just your average vampire queen.
Some say she's 2,000 years old.
You believe in that
Dungeons & Dragons rubbish?
Where I grew up,
we're very superstitious.
Cragwich is particularly
fascinating to me.
The book of folklore tells
the story of this village,
and what Carmilla did to it
and its daughters.
Even the bravest man shrinks in fear,
and the bravest woman
quivers with desire
at the mere mention of her name.
Carmilla, the vampire queen.
Hey! Jimmy Peon!
Come on. Get a beer. Get involved.
It is your turn to go
with the larger one.
- Too many beers. I need a piss.
- The bog's outside.
What? It's... It's dark out there.
Heidi, are you afraid
Carmilla will get you?
- Anke, don't be mean.
- OK, OK, I'm sorry.
- Don't worry. I will go with her.
- Stop it!
Watch this. Here come the beers.
- Here come the beers. Ja?
- Ooh, ja!
He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh?
She's pretending to bum me.
Oh, his heart's in the right place.
It's just a shame
his brain's in his dick.
- Think his ying yang is big?
- Ying yang?
All right. Which one do you want, then?
Haven't thought about it.
Oh! You are such a fucking ponce, James.
Which one do you fancy?
Which one do you like the most?
- Just answer the question.
- All right, then. Lotte.
She seems really nice and friendly.
And it's like
she's got this pure spirit.
She's just really sweet.
She's got the prettiest eyes.
It's like looking into bottomless pools.
- And you?
- Trudi.
Massive tits, never speaks.
Yeah, Trudi, you stink.
Ja. Ja.
Oh, ja.
Hurry up!
Anke.
Anke?
- Anke, stop it. It isn't funny.
- Heidi.
Fuck!
Anke, answer me now. It's not funny.
Anke!
Anke?
Anke? Anke!
Why are they taking so long?
She's probably just having
a massive shit.
Trudi.
Trudi.
Trudi.
Trudi.
Quickly!
Trudi! We've got to get in there!
OK. Stand back.
Christ. That thing is rock-solid.
- I must have weakened it.
- Yeah, right.
- Look.
- Blood.
Come.
What was that?
I don't know, but let's go find out.
- Is she serious?
- We have to do something, don't we?
This is all getting a bit weird: Women
missing, towels covered in blood.
- It's more of a light spotting.
- Oh, that's all right, then.
We heard her in here,
and now she's nowhere.
- That is very fucking weird.
- Agreed, but we have to find Trudi.
- You like Trudi, don't you?
- Not that much.
That's just weak, man.
For Christ's sake.
Oh, God!
For God's sake!
I only got it seen to last week.
Oh, my... Oh, come on!
Shit!
Hi. You're through to Jimmy.
Please leave a message.
You are so dead, Jimmy!
Judy.
Judy. Judy.
Anke!
Heidi? Trudi?
- Anything?
- No.
Ah, well. Looks like she's gone.
Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea?
- Told you there was no one out here.
- Trudi?
Probably just gone for a walk
or... something.
Let's head inside.
I've still got some beers.
Oh, shit!
Lotte.
- It's over there.
- I heard it too.
Look. I know something really wrong
is happening here,
but is there any chance
we can just ignore it?
Fletch! Come on!
It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires.
- Vampires?
- Vampires?
Lesbian vampires.
Nice one.
Fucking hell, she's strong.
Jimmy!
- Shit.
- Jimmy!
She's not so strong now.
Ah! Rank!
Is that it?
No explosion or...
turning into burning ash or...
Nothing, no?
Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed.
I'm just glad she's dead.
I can hold out for fireworks.
The legends... they're true.
This is madness.
- What's become of my friends?
- Lotte.
Oh, crap.
- Join us.
- Join us.
Ja.
I think they want you to say something.
Never.
Don't think they wanted you to say that.
Fuck this! Run, you bellends!
Come on, you silly fuckers!
Now you will join us.
Get in.
Oh, my God! Did you see that?
That might be the coolest thing
I've done in my entire fucking life.
I've always been good at cricket.
Maybe it's my guns.
- Fletch, please shut up.
- Sorry, I'm just nervous.
They'd have eaten us alive.
This is fucked up!
Where did they go?
Before sunrise,
you will all belong to us.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
What are we going to do?
- We're going to die horribly.
- For Christ sake. You're not helping.
- Calm down. Have a beer.
- We need to get out of here!
- Come up with a plan then, Einstein.
- Hold on. The van.
The van. Good plan. Great plan.
Genius.
I don't even want to know.
What are we going to do now?
Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes.
Arm ourselves with anything we can
plunge through their hearts.
Again, great idea. Like it.
Plunging sharp objects. Hell-whore
hearts. Let's fucking have it.
- Jimmy!
- Judy?
What? Don't open
the fucking door! Jesus!
- Judy, get in, quick.
- Oh, my God!
- What the hell is going on?
- What are you doing here?
- Something was chasing me.
- Vampires.
- What?
- Yep. Lesbian vampires.
- How ridiculous.
- No.
Just another of God's cruel tricks
to get on my tits.
Even dead women would sooner sleep
with each other than get with me.
- But eating me alive? Oh, that's fine.
- Lesbian vampires?
Next time he'll have me bummed
by a big gay werewolf, I swear.
Come on. We need to lie down.
- Who's that?
- Oh, it's Jimmy's ex.
She keeps breaking up with him,
getting him back,
breaking up with him,
getting him back, you know?
- I hate her.
- Me too.
Man, this pisses me off.
I've been saving myself
for the right man,
someone I can really have feelings for.
- I finally meet him, and...
- What, you like Jimmy?
Yes, I do.
But between her and the vampires,
I'll probably die a virgin tonight.
You're a virgin?
Um, yeah.
Oh, for God's sake, girl.
Cover yourself up.
Daddy, I'm not a child any more.
Don't try me, girl.
Jimmy, I know you have
every right to hate me,
but I just want you to know
that I'm so happy
you let me through the door.
Well, I don't hate you.
Well, not completely.
I just don't know what
I keep doing you don't like.
It's not you, Jimmy. It's me.
I'm glad you realise that,
because if this is gonna work,
- you're gonna have to change.
- Oh, I've changed.
But how... How do I know that?
How can I trust you? You're gonna
have to show me you're different.
Oh, I'm different.
Give me one... last... kiss.
Probably best you remember her
the way she was, mate.
A complete fucking bitch. Aah.
Mate, thanks for saving my life.
Hey, you know me, fella.
I got your back.
Always have, always will.
- Right, got 'em.
- What are you doing?
- What do you think?
- What, Lotte was gonna...
You know what they say
about extreme situations.
And this, as I keep pointing out, my
friend, is an extreme fucking situation.
- Bit seedy, isn't it?
- She's worried she'll die a virgin,
and frankly, I'm willing to take
any opportunity I can get.
Emotional vulnerability, fear of
imminent death, vampire attacks.
Screw it. I don't give a shit. Hi.
How are you doing?
- What happened?
- Oh, God. Um...
As I suspected,
- Judy was a vampire.
- We killed her.
Fantastic.
- Um, I'm going for a piss.
- What, outside?
Do I look like a twat?
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, gosh!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Why aren't they coming in?
Judy walked in.
No, they have to be invited in.
You invited Judy in.
So all we have to do
is sit tight till morning.
I mean, It's not like I'm gonna say,
"Hey, lesbian vampires,
come into my cottage", is it? Oh, shit!
Under full-on lesbian vampire attack?
Still got it, fella.
Look, I was being ironic.
Guys?
McLaren.
- She knows my name.
- That's not a good sign.
She is pure.
Fletch!
When in Rome...
- Get away from him.
- Fuck off!
- Nice.
- Get her into the shower.
Quick! Quick!
Quick! Turn it on!
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done on earth...
Give us this day... Push her back!
She must stay underwater.
Push her back!
Push her back under.
- Oh, God!
- Keep her under! Don't let her go!
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us...
- Fuck off!
- Keep going.
Fucking hell!
For Thine is the kingdom.
Jesus compels you!
Oh, God, I love Jesus!
I love you, Jesus.
- And the glory forever.
- All things bright and beautiful!
Forever and ever.
Amen.
What the fuck?
We need to go quickly.
Your friends have already been taken.
- Ah, shite.
- There's no time to waste. Let's go!
Hang on. How did you know
all this was happening?
You and your friends
were sent as sacrifices.
It's an age-old deal,
where the villagers supply fresh blood.
In return, they get to keep
their cowardly hides.
So we were just a light buffet
for a bunch of hot dykes?
To my shame, yes. Your friend's
arrival in our hamlet is no coincidence.
It's divine intervention
fulfilling a primordial prophecy.
- Balls!
- Does he bear a birthmark?
- 5 red scratches around here?
- Yeah.
His bloodline is the key
to the resurrection
of the purest evil known to mankind:
Carmilla, the vampire queen.
Paradoxically, the only thing
that can lift this village
from a centuries-old curse
that turns every woman
on her 18th birthday into a vampire.
My daughter, Rebecca,
becomes 18 within hours.
Right. Look,
I know you mean well. I really do.
And I love the vibe.
You look amazing. But...
I've seen weird shit, and even under
these circumstances this is a stretch.
Jimmy's not the Messiah.
He can barely wipe his own arse.
I understand your confusion.
Let's be on our way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, Daddy-o. Go where?
- Back to the village. No time to waste.
- Fuck that noise.
- I'm sorry?
- I'm not going back out there.
I've nearly been eaten 3 times
by the hottest women I've ever met.
Starting to become a bind.
But it's not too late to save your
friends, this village, the entire world!
Yeah, well, you know,
best of luck with it.
- I hope you get on all right.
- Are you fucking with me?
- Are you allowed to swear?
- Shut up.
You telling me you'd let eternal
darkness sweep over this entire planet
and leave your friends to die?
Your friends?
Well, I only really know Jimmy.
I just met the girl tonight. So...
OK. Stay here and die.
What's with all the scratches?
The cruciform.
It drives the beasts away.
- It looks shit.
- Just get in.
OK, scratch master.
Where the fuck are we going?
The tomb of your friend's
great ancestor.
Fletch!
Sisters,
a moment that has infested
our dreams and our desires
for what seems like an eternity...
is finally upon us.
For this night,
the last of the McLaren clan shall fall,
and our queen shall rise again.
- Carmilla?
- The vampire queen?
Sorry. Carry on.
So his blood mixed with
my virgin blood brings her back?
You know a lot, pretty one.
I've heard of Carmilla,
but never have I heard of you.
Obviously you're not evil enough
to even make the history books.
Well...
soon she will know of you.
And with her resurrection,
this land will be ensnared forever
in the dawn of the red moon.
McLaren, these are your
final moments on earth.
The final resting place
of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III.
Jimmy's the reason
I ended up in this shit-hole?
He is our salvation and our only hope.
The prophesy foretold of when the last
of the McLaren clan would return.
With his blood and that of a virgin,
Carmilla shall rise again.
Concealed within this tomb is the weapon
that can slay the beast forever:
The sword of Daeldo.
- And what's that, then?
- Daeldo, the god of lust,
said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe
in the underworld of Hades.
A hideous multi-tentacled beast.
The only being brave enough
to have tried to penetrate
Carmilla's vilest depths,
and paid for it with his life.
Let me get this straight.
Your plan is,
wait for this bitch to be resurrected,
stake her with the sword of whatever,
thus rescuing my mate, curing
your daughter, ending the curse
- and saving the planet.
- Exactly. So, are you with me?
Not really. I ain't got much
fucking choice, have I?
You do this.
I need to check on my Rebecca.
What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse?
- Concealed within this tomb is...
- Yeah, yeah. Save me the monologues.
This is officially
the worst holiday ever.
- So there's a red moon, right?
- Forget about the red moon.
She said the last McLaren will fall.
Yeah, I kind of missed that bit.
Oh. Well...
- That'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks.
- Shut up. I'm thinking.
What can you be thinking about
at a time like this?
- How we are going to escape.
- Fantastic. Any ideas?
- No, have you?
- Not a fucking sausage.
Come on, think!
I'm too busy shitting myself
to come up with a daring escape plan.
- You're cute.
- What?
It's our first argument.
Vic, we're doomed.
That ain't opening.
Move.
In my defence,
I only tried that side, so...
- You go down there, my boy.
- Excuse me?
- There's no time to waste. Hurry up.
- Well, you go down, then.
Oh, my... Unbelievable.
It's not my daughter.
- Can you see the sword?
- Give me a minute, please.
It's my first time
in a tomb... grave... stone.
What? What is it?
It's nothing.
What's so funny in there?
It's got a big metal cock for a handle.
Grow up! The handle draws on
the power of the demon Daeldo,
rendering this blade alone capable
of destroying her once and for all.
- What? How?
- Itjust does, OK?
We're gonna go there,
and we're gonna to die, right?
All because you insist some sword,
with a metal cock on the end,
can save the world?
- You're a disgrace.
- At least I can see the funny side.
Let's get on with the job. I'll load up
on weapons. You cover the baron up.
Will you just admit
it does look like a cock?
Jimmy, can I tell you something?
- Have you come up with a plan?
- No, I'm still thinking.
I think we're running out of time.
I just wanted to say that had we met
under different circumstances,
I would've liked to have gotten
to know you.
- Really?
- Yes.
In fact, even though we've just spent
a few hours together,
I feel like I've known you forever.
- Really?
- Yes.
I thought you might have
picked up on my signals.
Signals? What signals?
What did I miss?
Jimmy, I love you.
- Well, that's just fucking great.
- I didn't mean to upset you.
- On the brink of death, you say that?
- I can't die without letting you know
you're the first man I could
share myself with completely.
- Oh, for Christ's sake.
- I would've given you everything:
My mind, soul and body.
- And body.
- And now that'll never be.
- It is time.
- Oh, God!
- That's my penis.
- Get off him, you bitch! He's mine!
Wow.
What? What did you just say?
You called me a what?
I'm a fat piece of what?
No one messes with the Fletchmeister
and his cock sword.
Oh, hello. I wasn't doing...
Star Wars is not, uh...
Aah! Chewie. I wasn't...
What are you doing out?
You probably shouldn't be out here.
I know.
- So, it's your birthday?
- Today.
It's just gone midnight.
All... grown... up.
So you're 18?
But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway.
Daddy!
Fletch!
- Ready?
- Yep.
We have little time.
My Rebecca will soon be taken.
Yep.
You have his eyes.
I used to love those eyes.
Until I learned how pathetic men are.
Exquisite.
I will bleed you slowly and
let Carmilla feed upon your flesh
while it is still warm in your veins.
Look, the moon bleeds.
The resurrection has begun.
Here. Holy water.
It's like a fucking
hand grenade of acid.
- You said "fucking" again.
- So?
- It's weird.
- Get over it.
There's no need to panic, my friend.
Just stay close to me.
I'm well-versed in the knowledge
of killing vampires.
Yeah, so is everyone. Stakes, garlic,
beheading, holy water, sunlight...
There's not a fucker alive
who doesn't know that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's in books, films, telly.
It's pretty common knowledge.
Were you expecting many
sexual encounters, my friend?
Water bomb fight.
So where's this resurrection
likely to be happening?
In there. The crypt of Carmilla.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Never going to be somewhere
un-scary-sounding,
like the garden or scullery?
"Scullery" is quite scary.
"Scullery" has got
the word "skull" in it.
As opposed to the crypt, which has
got corpses in it. Well observed.
Remember this: They can die fast
or they can die slow,
but they have to die.
- Can't we do this in the morning?
- It may be too late for your friends.
- It will be too late for Rebecca.
- No, I'm good.
Well, this is it.
Good luck, Fletch.
Let's try to come back alive.
Vic...
If I don't make it out of this,
there's one thing I want you to know:
I blame you entirely.
So this is how your bloodline ends:
Crying like a baby.
Begging for your life.
- Please...
- Jimmy, pull yourself together.
- Don't give her the satisfaction.
- No.
You'll give me my satisfaction.
Lotte, just so you know,
before she turns you,
I found you really attractive,
pre-vampirism.
You did?
- We have an escape plan.
- What?
Fletch will save us.
Fletch? He's fucking useless.
We're dead meat.
- Hey! You cheeky prick.
- Fletch!
Although, to be fair,
if I could've avoided being here,
I would've.
Oh, damn.
I told you he was fucking useless.
- Damn, damn!
- You ever fired that thing before?
- First time.
- Watch and weep. So!
You clam-lappers fancy
a piece of me then, do you?
- Come on, then.
- Kill them.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, wait up. Fuck this.
Your friend's blood
has already been drawn.
- The resurrection has begun.
- We gotta get out of here.
We can't. Darkness is upon us.
Your friends, Rebecca...
I reckon I can
probably live with that.
and the entire fucking world!
You know how to put a guilt trip on,
don't you, you fucker?
Right. Let's do this.
- It'll be OK.
- How can this be OK?
All I wanted to do was enjoy life.
Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints.
But no. Nothing's as simple
as that, is it?
And now we're gonna end up dead.
Well, I'm gonna end up dead.
You'll be a lesbian.
And I've not even made love to a man.
The crypt is through here.
- Fletch!
- Spiritus Sancti.
Fletch!
- Spiritus sancti.
- Hurry up!
- Jimmy?
- Back, you spawn of Satan.
- Fletch?
- How you been?
Up and down.
- There's only one solution now.
- The big cock sword.
- What?
- Long story.
- Hand me the sword of Daeldo.
- Haven't you got it?
I thought you had it.
You're going on about
how important it is.
All we've got to do is wait
for this bitch to rise, stab her,
- and you forgot the sword?
- Get it. I'll keep 'em off.
- Tell Rebecca I love her.
- About Rebecca...
- Run, you fool!
- All right!
Jesus!
- Whores of fucking Hades.
- Annihilate him.
Prepare for fucking death!
Come on, you silly fuckers!
- Lotte!
- It's playtime, darling.
You are a feisty one.
I like it. Aah!
- It won't budge.
- I have to help her.
It's not gonna work.
- What is it with you and doors?
- Let's ram it.
You taste divine.
- Keys.
- Vicar's got them.
- What?
- Know how to hotwire a hearse?
- Yeah, no worries.
- Brilliant. Let's go.
- Of course I don't, you idiot.
- Shit.
First I'm going to torture you,
then I'm going to turn you.
- You'll be my plaything.
- Never!
That's it, then.
The problem with you, James,
you're a pessimist.
You might want to grab weapons.
We could be in for a ruck.
Come on!
- That sword's got a cock for a handle.
- It's funny, isn't it?
It's the only thing that'll
destroy that psycho bitch.
It's very powerful and very ancient.
- Sort of gay.
- So get your own fucking sword.
I knew you would not resist me forever.
Sorry, you're not my type.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Lotte.
- Bollocks.
- Fletch.
Oh, my God!
McLaren.
- Jimmy!
- Throw it like you mean it!
Un-fucking-believable!
Is somebody taking the piss?
The sword of Daeldo
is a mighty weapon indeed.
Looks like the vic was right.
Everyone seems to know what's
going on bar me. What just happened?
It's all cock swords and scary stuff
and history and that.
- I'll tell you later.
- Tell me now.
- I will.
- When?
Mate, do you want to calm down?
I've had a bit of a busy night.
I'll tell you in a minute.
- Whoa.
- No, look. Sunlight.
The curse has lifted.
- So they're not vampires anymore?
- No.
Cool. Are they still lesbians?
For fuck's sake.
Unbelievable.
Save the day, not even a kiss.
Do you know what? Actually, forget it.
Forget it. Forget it. Let it go.
Let it go, Fletch.
You're the bigger man.
Whoa! That's some mighty fine
hotwiring skills you got there, lady.
Thanks. Right. Now what?
Don't know. Go home?
Go home? They've taken my friends,
they very nearly took our lives,
and we never even dreamed
they existed before tonight.
How can we just go home to our beds?
- What's she talking about?
- Uh...
This village is free,
but more creatures like Carmilla lurk
in the dark corners of the world.
No one would believe us if we tell.
We are the only people
who know the truth.
We must go out there
and fight this menace.
Are you suggesting we become
lesbian vampire killers?
If that's what it takes, ja.
Well, I ain't got anything else on
in particular at the moment, so I'm in.
- Jim?
- I don't know.
Oh, come on. It's in your blood,
your destiny, all that shit.
I'll tell you later.
- Come on. You might as well.
- Join us.
Lesbian vampire killers, it is.
Let's ride.
Showing posts with label 2010. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2010. Show all posts
Sunday, June 13, 2010
How to Train Your Dragon
This is Berk.
It's 12 days North of hopeless and
a few degrees South of freezing to death.
It's located solidly on the Meridian of Misery.
My village.
In a word: sturdy.
It's been here for seven generations
but every single building is new.
We have fishing, hunting,
and a charming view of the sunsets.
The only problems are the pests.
You see, most places have mice or mosquitoes.
We have ...
... Dragons !!!
Most people would leave,
but not us.
We're Vikings.
We have stubbornness issues.
My name is Hiccup.
Great name, I know.
But it's not the worst.
Parents believe a hideous name
will frighten off Gnomes and Trolls.
Like our charming
Viking demeanor wouldn't do that.
' Morning.
- What are you doing here?
- Get inside!
Get back inside!
Hiccup! What is he doing out again ...
What are you doing out? Get inside!
That's Stoick the Vast, Chief of the tribe.
They say that when he was a baby he
popped a Dragon's head clean off its shoulders.
Do I believe it?
Yes, I do.
What have we got?
Gronckles, Nadders, Zipplebacks ...
Oh, and hordes of Monstruous Nightmares.
Any Night Furys?
- None so far.
- Good.
Light the torches!
Oh, nice of you to join the party.
I thought you'd been carried off.
Who? Me? Nah, come on ...
I'm way too muscular for their taste.
They wouldn't know
what to do with all ... this.
Well, they need toothpicks, don't they?
The meathead with the attitude
and interchangeable hands, is Gobber.
I have been his apprentice
ever since I was little.
Well, littler
We move to the moor defenses.
We'll counterattack with the catapults.
See? Old village.
Lots and lots of new houses.
Fire!
Oh, and that's Fishlegs
Snotlout
The twins, Ruffnut and Tuffnut ...
And ...
Astrid .
Aww, their job is so much cooler.
Oh, come on. Let me out, please.
I need to make my mark!
Oh, you have made plenty of marks.
All in the wrong places.
Please, 2 minutes. I'll kill a dragon.
My life will get infinitely better.
I might even get a date.
You can't lift a hammer.
You can't swing an axe.
You can't even throw one of these.
Okay, fine,
but this will throw it for me.
See, now this right here
is what I'm talking about.
But it ... it's a mild calibration issue.
Hiccup, if you ever want
to get out there to fight dragons
you need to stop all ....
... this.
But you just pointed to all of me.
Yes, that's it.
Stop being all of you.
- Oh ...
- Oh, yes.
You sir, are playing a dangerous game ...
... keeping this much raw Vikingness contained.
- There will be consequences!
- I'll take my chances.
Sword, sharpened, now !
One day I'll get out there.
Because killing a dragon
is everything around here.
A Nadderhead is sure
to get me at least noticed.
Gronckles are tough.
Taking down one of those
would definitely get me a girlfriend.
A Zippleback: ...
exotic, two heads, twice the status.
They found the ship!
Concentrate fire over the lower bank!
Hurry up!
Fire!
And then, there's the Monstruous Nightmare.
Only the best Vikings go after those.
They have this nasty habit
of setting themselves on fire.
Reload!
I'll take care of this.
But the ultimate prize
is the dragon no one's ever seen.
We call it the ...
- Night Fury!
- Get down!
Jump!
This thing never steals food,
never shows itself, and ...
... never misses.
No one has ever killed a Night Fury.
That's why I'm going to be the first.
Mind the fort, Hiccup.
They need me out there.
Stay! ...
Put! ...
There !
You know what I mean.
- Hiccup, what are you doing?
- Come back here!
Yeah, I know,
Be right back!
Mind yourself!
The devils still have some juice in them.
Come on.
Give me something to shoot at.
Give me something to shoot at.
Oh! I hit it?
Yes, I hit it!
Did anybody see that?
Except for you.
- Do not let them escape!
- Right!
You're all out.
Oh, and there's one
more thing you need to know ...
Sorry, Dad.
Okay, but I hit a Night Fury.
It's not like the last few times, Dad!
I mean, I really actually hit ...
You guys were busy
and I had a very clear shot.
It went down just off Raven Point.
Let's get a search party out there before ...
Stop!
Just, stop!
Every time you step outside,
disaster falls.
Can you not see
that I have bigger problems?
Winter is almost here and I
have an entire village to feed!
Between you and me, the village could
do with a little less feeding, don't you think?
This isn't a joke, Hiccup!
Why can't you follow the simplest orders?
I, I can't stop myself.
I see a dragon and I have to just ...
... kill it.
You know, it's who I am, Dad.
Oh, you are many things, Hiccup,
but a dragon killer is not one of them.
Get back to the house.
Make sure he gets there.
I have his mess to clean up.
Quite the performance.
I've never seen anyone
mess up that badly. That helped!
Thank you. Thank you.
I was trying.
- I really did hit one.
- Sure, Hiccup.
- He never listens.
- Well, it runs in the family.
And when he does, it's always
with this disappointed scowl
like someone skimped
on the meat in his sandwich.
Excuse me, barmaid. I'm afraid
you brought me the wrong offspring.
I ordered an extra large boy with beefy arms.
Extra guts and glory on the side.
This here. This is a talking fish bone!
Now, you're thinking about this all wrong.
It's not so much what you look like.
It's what's inside that he can't stand.
Thank you for summing that up.
Look, the point is, stop trying so hard
to be something you're not.
I just want to be one of you guys.
Either we face them or they'll finish us.
It's the only way we'll be rid of them.
If we find the nest and destroy it,
the dragons will leave.
They'll find another home.
One more search, before the ice sets in.
Those ships never come back.
We're Vikings.
It's an occupational hazard.
Now who's with me?
Alright, ...
Those who stay will look after Hiccup.
Now, that's more like it.
I'll pack my undies.
No, I need you to stay,
and train some new recruits.
Oh, perfect, yeah. And while I'm busy
Hiccup can cover the store.
Molten steel, razor sharp blades,
lots of time to himself ...
What could possibly go wrong?
Oh, what am I going
to do with him, Gobber?
Put him in training with the others.
- No, I'm serious.
- So am I.
He'd be killed before you
let the first dragon out of its cage.
- Oh, you don't know that.
- I do know that.
- No you don't
- No, actually, I do.
- No, you don't.
- Listen, you know what he's like.
From the time he could crawl
he's been ... different.
He doesn't listen. He has
the attention span of a sparrow.
I take him fishing and
he goes hunting for .. for Trolls!
Trolls exist!
They steal your socks.
But only the left ones.
What's with that?
- When I was a boy ...
- Oh, here we go.
My father told me to bang my head
against a rock, ... and I did it.
I thought it was crazy,
but I didn't question him.
And you know what happened?
- You got a headache.
- That rock split in two.
It taught me what a Viking could do, Gobber.
He could crush mountains,
level forests, ...
... tame seas!
Even as a boy I knew what I was,
what I had to become ...
Hiccup is not that boy.
You can't stop him, Stoick.
You can only prepare him.
I know it seems hopeless, but the truth is
you won't always be around to protect him.
He's going to get out there again.
He's probably out there now.
Oh, the gods hate me.
Some people lose their knife or their mug.
No, not me!
I managed to lose an entire dragon.
Ow!
Oh, wow? I.. I did it?
Oh, I did it!
This fixes everything. Yes!
I have brought down this mighty beast!
I'm gonna kill you, dragon.
I'm gonna ... I'm gonna cut out
your heart and take it to my father.
I'm a Viking.
I'm a Viking!
I did this.
Hiccup.
Dad? Uh ...
- I have to talk to you, Dad.
- I need to speak with you too, son.
- I think it's time you learned to fight dragons.
- I don't want to fight dragons.
- What?
- What?
- Uh, you go first.
- No, no, you go first.
All right. You got your wish.
Dragon training. You start in the morning.
Oh man, I should have gone first.
Uh, cause I was thinking. You know,
we have a surplus of dragon fighting Vikings but, ...
do we have enough bread-making Vikings,
or small home repair Vikings ...
- You'll need this.
- I don't want to fight dragons.
- Oh come on, yes you do.
- Rephrase. Dad, I can't kill dragons.
But you will kill dragons.
No, I'm really very extra sure that I won't.
- It's time, Hiccup.
- Can you not hear me?
This is serious, son.
When you carry this axe,
you carry all of us with you.
Which means: You walk like us.
You talk like us. You think like us.
- No more of ... this.
- You just gestured to all of me.
- Deal?
- This conversation is feeling very one-sided.
Deal?
Deal.
Good.
Train hard.
I'll be back. Probably.
And I'll be here ... maybe.
Welcome to dragon training.
No turning back.
I hope I get some serious burns.
I'm hoping for some mauling,
like on my shoulder or lower back.
Yeah, it's only fun if you get a scar out of it.
Yeah, no kidding, right? Pain, love it.
Oh, great, who let him in?
Lets get started.
The recruit who does best,
will win the honor of killing his first
dragon in front of the entire village.
Hiccup already killed a Night Fury,
so does that disqualify him or ...?
Can I transfer to the class
with the cool Vikings?
Don't worry. You're small and you're weak,
That will make you a less of a target.
They'll see you as sick or insane
and go after the more Viking-like teens instead.
Behind these doors are just a few of the
many species you will learn to fight.
- The Deadly Nadder.
- Speed: 8, Armor: 16.
- The Hideous Zippleback.
- 11 stealth times two.
- The Monstrous Nightmare.
- Fire Power: 15.
- The Terrible Terror.
- Attack: 8, Venom: 12.
Can you stop that!
- And the Gronckle.
- Jaw Strength: 8.
Woah, woah, wait, aren't you going to teach us first?
I believe in learning on the job.
Today is about survival.
If you get blasted, you're dead.
Quick! What's the first thing
you're going to need?
- A doctor?
- + 5 Speed?
- A shield?
- Shield. Go.
Your most important piece
of equipment is your shield.
If you must make a choice
between a sword or a shield.
Take the shield.
- Get your hands off my shield.
- There's like a million shields.
Take that one.
It has a flower on it. Girls like flowers.
Oops, now this one has blood on it.
Tuffnut, Ruffnut, your out.
- What?
- What?
Those shields are good for another
thing. Noise.
Make lots of it and throw off a dragon's aim.
All dragons have a limited number of shots.
How many does a Gronckle have?
- Five?
- No, six.
Right, six. Thats one for each of you.
Fishlegs, out.
Hiccup, get in there!
So anyway, I moved into my parents' basement...
You should come by sometimes to work out,
You look like you work out.
Snotlout, your done.
- So I guess its just you and me.
- Nope, just you.
One shot left.
Hiccup!
And that's 6.
Go back to bed you overgrown sausage.
You'll get another chance.
Don't you worry.
Remember, a dragon will always ...
... always go for the kill.
So why didn't you?
Well this was stupid.
Why don't you just fly away?
Alright, where did Astrid
go wrong in the ring today?
I mistimed my sommersault dive.
It was sloppy. It threw off my reverse tumble.
- Yeah, we noticed.
- No, no you were great. That was so Astrid.
She's right. You have to be tough on yourselves.
Where did Hiccup go wrong?
- Uh, he showed up?
- He didn't get eaten.
He's never where he should be.
Thank you, Astrid.
You need to live and breathe this stuff.
The Dragon Manual ...
Everything we know about every dragon we know of.
No attacks tonight.
Hurry up.
- Wait? You mean read?
- While we're still alive?
Why read words when you can just
kill the stuff the words tell you stuff about?
Oh, I've read it like 7 times.
There's this water dragon
that sprays boiling water at your face
and there's this other one
that buries itself for like a week ...
Yeah, sounds great.
There was a chance I was going to read that.
But now ...
You guys read, I'll go kill something.
Hey!
- So I guess we'll share?
- Read it.
All mine then? Wow. So, okay.
I'll see you uh, ... tomorrow.
Dragon Classifications
Strike Class, Fear Class, Mystery Class.
Thunder Drum. This reclusive dragon
inhabits sea caves and dark tide pools.
When startled, the Thunder Drum produces a
concussive sound that can kill a man at close range.
Extremely dangerous. Kill on sight.
Timberjack: This gigantic creature has razor-sharp
wings that can slice through full-grown trees.
Extremely dangerous. Kill on sight.
Skulldren: Sprays scalding water on its victim.
Extremely dangerous ...
Changeling: Even newly hatch dragons can spray acid.
Kill on sight.
Gronckle, Zippleback, The Skrill,
Boneknapper, Whispering Death.
Burns its victims.
Buries its victims. Chokes its victims.
Turns its victims inside out.
Extremely dangerous. ...
Extremely dangerous. ...
Kill on sight. ... Kill on sight. ...
Kill on sight. ...
Night Fury: Speed unknown.
Size unknown.
The unholy offspring of
lightning and death itself.
Never engage this dragon.
Your only chance:
Hide and pray it does not find you.
I can almost smell them. They're close.
Steady.
- Take us in.
- Hard to port.
The Hell Hounds gate.
Hard to port.
Hey, you know, I just happened to notice,
the book had nothing on Night Furys.
Is there like another book? or a sequel?
Maybe a little Night Fury pamphlet?
Focus Hiccup!
You're not even trying.
Today is all about attack!
Nadder's are quick and light on their feet.
You be quicker and lighter.
I'm really beginning
to question your teaching methods.
Look for its blind spot.
Every dragon has one.
Find it. Hide in it, and strike.
- Do you ever bathe?
- You don't like it, then just get your own blind spot.
How about I give you one?
Blind spot, yes.
Death spot, not-so-much.
Hey, hey, so how would one
sneak up on a Night Fury?
No one's ever met one, and lived
to tell the tale. Now, get in there!
I know, I know but hypothetically ...
Watch out, babe, I'll be taking care of this.
The sun was in my eyes, Astrid.
What do you want me to do?
Block out the sun?
I can do that.
I don't have time right now.
- Has anyone ever seen one napping?
- Hiccup!
Hiccup!
- Love on the battlefield.
- She could do better.
L-Let me ... why don't you ..
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Well done, Astrid.
Is this some kind of a joke to you?
Our parents' war is about to become ours.
Figure out which side your on.
Huh? Toothless.
I could have sworn you had ...
... teeth.
Uh, uh, ... no, no, ... no ...
I ... I don't have any more.
And with one twist,
he took my hand and swallowed it whole.
And I saw the look in his face.
I was delicious.
He must have passed the word,
because it wasn't a month
before another one of them took my leg.
Isn't it weird to think that your
hand was inside a dragon?
Like, if your mind was still in control of it,
you could have killed the dragon from the inside
by crushing his heart or something.
I swear, I'm so angry right now.
I'll avenge your beautiful hand
and your beautiful foot.
I'll chop off the legs of every dragon
I fight ... with my face!
No. Its the wings
and the tails you really want.
If it can't fly, it can't get away.
A downed dragon is a dead dragon.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Alright, I'm off to bed.
You should be too.
Tomorrow we get to the big boys.
Slowly but surely, making our way
up to Monstrous Nightmare.
- But who'll win the honor of killing it?
- It's gonna be me. It's my destiny. See?
- Your mom let you get a tattoo?
- It's not a tattoo. It's a birth mark.
Okay, I've been stuck with you since birth
and that was never there before.
Yes, it was. You've just never
seen me to the left side until now.
Hey, Toothless.
I brought breakfast.
I hope ... I hope you're hungry.
Okay, that's disgusting.
I got some salmon, some nice
Icelandic cod, and a whole smoked eel.
No, no, no, no, ... no. ... Okay.
Yeah, I don't really like eel much either.
That's it. That's the good stuff.
Aah, don't you mind me.
I'll just be back here, minding my own business.
Its okay ...
Okay, okay ...
Okay, that's not too bad.
It works.
No, no, no, no, no, no ... !
Oh my ... Its working!
Yes, yes, I did it.
Today, is about teamwork.
Now, a wet dragon head can't light its fire.
The Hideous Zippleback is extra tricky.
One head breathes gas.
The other head lights it.
Your job is to know which is which.
Razor-sharp serrated teeth,
and injects venom for predigestion.
Prefers ambush attack, crushing its victims.
Will you please stop that?!
If that dragon shows either
of his faces, I'm gonna ...
There!
Hey, its us, idiots!
Your butts are getting bigger
we thought you were a dragon.
Not that theres anything wrong
with a dragon-ass fig ...
Wait ...
Oh! ... Oh, I'm hurt!
I am very much hurt!
Chances of survival are
dwindling into single digits now.
Oh! Wrong head.
Fishlegs!
Now Hiccup!
Aww, come on ...
Hiccup!
Back, ... back, back!
Now don't you make me tell you again!
Yes, thats right.
Back into your cage!
Now think about what you've done.
Okay, sooo, were we done?
Cause I have some things I need to uh ...
Yep, I'll see you tomorrow.
Hey!
- What was that?
- How did you do that?
I left my axe back in the ring.
You guys go on ahead.
I'll catch up with you.
Meet the Terrible Terror.
Ha! It's like the size of my ...
Oooh! ... Get it off!
Oh, I'm hurt! I am very much hurt!
Wow! He's better than you ever were.
What?
Ooh, great.
Hiccup.
Hiccup? Are you in there?
Astrid, hey. Hi, Astrid.
Hi Astrid. Hi Astrid
I normally don't care what people do,
but you're acting weird.
Well, weirder.
Well, I trust you found the nest at least?
Not even close.
Excellent.
I hope you had a little
more success than me.
Well, if by success, you mean that your
parenting troubles are over with, ...
.. then, yes.
Congratulations Stoick!
Everyone is so relieved.
Out with the old,
and in with the new, right?
No one will miss that old nuisance.
The village is throwing a party to celebrate.
He's gone?
Um, yeah, most afternoons,
but who can blame him?
I mean, the life of
a celebrity is very rough.
He can barely walk through the village
without being swarmed by his new fans.
- Hiccup?
- Who would have thought it, eh?
He has this way with the beasts.
Okay there, bud, were gonna take this nice and slow.
Here we go. Here we go.
Position three, no, four.
Alright, it's go time.
It's go time.
Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy.
Yes, it works!
Sorry!
That's my fault.
Yeah, yeah, I'm on it.
Position four, uh, three.
"Yeah! Go baby!
Oh, this is amazing!
The wind in my ...
... cheat sheet!
Stop!
No!
Oh, Gosh!
Oh, God!
Oh no!
Alright. Okay.
You gotta kinda angle yourself!
Okay. No, no, no...
Come back down towards me.
Come back down ...
Oww!
- subs by majtjk0ng -
Yeah!
Come on ...
Uh, no thanks. I'm good.
Not so fire-proof
on the inside, are you?
Here you go.
Everything we know about you guys is wrong.
Dad, you're back!
Gobber's not here, so ...
I know.
I came looking for you.
- You did?
- You've been keeping secrets.
I have?
Just how long did you think
you could hide it from me?
I ... I don't know what you ...
Nothing happens on this island,
without me hearing about it.
Oh?
So, lets talk ... about that dragon
Oh Gods ...
Dad, I'm so sorry. I-
I was going to tell you, I
just didn't know how to uh ...
- Y-you're not upset?
- What? I was hoping for this!
- Ah, you were?
- And believe me ...
It only gets better. Just wait till you
spill a Nadder's guts for the first time ...
... and mount your first
Gronckle head on a spear.
What feeling!
You really had me going there, son.
All those years of the
worst Viking Berk has ever seen.
Odin, it was rough.
I almost gave up on you.
And all the while
you were holding out on me.
Oh, Thor almighty!
With you doing so well in the ring ...
... we finally have something to talk about.
I uh... I brought you something ...
... to keep you safe in the ring.
Wow, thanks.
Your mother would have wanted you to have it.
It's half of her breast plate.
Matching set. Keeps her ...
Keeps her close, you know?
Wear it proudly. You deserve it.
You've held up your end of the deal.
I should really get to bed.
- Yes, good, okay, good talk.
- Yeah ...
I'll see you back at the house.
Great. Thanks for stopping by and ...
- ... the uh ... breast hat.
- I hope you like the, umm, ... the hat.
Well, good night.
Stay out of my way.
I'm winning this thing!
Good. Please.
By all means.
This time!
This time for sure!
No! You, son-of-a half troll,
rat-eating munch bucket...!
Wait! Wait.
So ... later.
- Oh, oh! Not so fast!
- I'm kinda late for ...
What!
Late for what, exactly?
Okay, quiet down.
The Elder has decided.
Boy, you've done it!
You've done it, Hiccup!
You get to kill the dragon!
That's my boy!
Yeah! Yes, I can't wait.
I am so ...
... leaving. We're Leaving.
Lets pack up.
Looks like you and me are taking a little vacation.
Forever.
Awww, man.
What the ... ?
Uh, w .. what are you doing here?
I want to know what's going on.
No one just get as good as you do.
Especially ... you.
- Start talking.
- I ... I ...
Are you training with someone?
Training? I didn't ...
It better not involve this.
I know, this looks really bad
but you see, this is ...
You're right. You're right. You're right.
I ... I'm through with the lies.
I've been making ... outfits!
So, you got me.
It's time everyone knew.
Drag me back. Go ahead. Here we go.
Oww. Why would you do that?
That's for the lies!
And thats ...
for everything else!
Oh man.
Get down!
Run! Run!
No! No! It's okay. It's okay.
She's a friend.
You just scared him.
I scared him?
Who is him?
Astrid, Toothless.
Toothless, Astrid.
Dut, da da... We're dead.
Woah, woah woah.
Where do you think you're going?
Oh, great Odin! Don't.
Oh, this is ...
Hiccup, get me down from here!
You have to give me a chance to explain.
I am not listening to anything you have to say!
Then I won't speak.
Just let me show you.
Please, Astrid.
Now get me down!
Toothless, down.
Gently.
See, nothing to be afraid of.
Toothless?
What is wrong with you?
Bad dragon!
He's uh, he's not usually like this.
Oh, no!
Toothless, what are you doing?
We need her to like us!
And now he's spinning!
Thank you for nothing
you useless reptile!
Okay, I am sorry, I'm sorry.
Just get me off of this thing.
Alright, I admit it.
This is pretty cool.
It's amazing.
He's amazing.
So what now?
Hiccup, your final exam is tomorrow!
You know your gonna have to kill a ...
kill a dragon ...
Don't remind me.
Toothless, what happening?
Whoa, what is it?
Get down!
- What's going on?
- I don't know.
Toothless, you gotta
get us out of here, bud.
It looks like they're hauling in their kill.
What does that make us?
What my dad wouldn't give to find this.
Oh, it's satisfying to know that all
of our food has been dumped down a hole.
They're not eating any of it.
What ... was that?
Alright, bud, we gotta get
out of here. Now!
No, no, it totally makes sense.
It's like a giant beehive.
They're the workers,
and that's their queen.
It controls them.
Let's find your dad.
No, no.
No. Not yet.
They'll kill Toothless.
Astrid, we have to think
this through, carefully.
Hiccup, we just
discovered the dragon's nest.
The thing we've been after
since Vikings first sailed here.
And you want to keep it a secret?
To protect your pet dragon?
Are you serious?
Yes.
Okay. Then what do we do?
Just give me until tomorrow.
I'll figure something out.
Okay. ...
That's for kidnapping me.
That's for ...
everything else.
What are you looking at?
Well, I can show my face in public again.
If someone had told me that
in a few short weeks
Hiccup will go from,
well being ... uh ... Hiccup,
to placing first in dragon training.
Well, I would have tied him to a mast
and shipped him off. For fear he'd gone mad.
And you know it.
But, here we are.
And no ones more surprised
or more proud than I am.
Today my boy becomes a Viking!
Today he becomes one of us!
Be careful with that dragon.
It's not the dragon I'm worried about.
What are you going to do?
Put an end to this.
I have to try.
Astrid, if something goes wrong,
just make sure they don't find Toothless.
I will, just promise me
it won't go wrong.
It's time, Hiccup.
Knock 'em dead.
I'd have gone for the hammer.
I'm ready.
Go on Hiccup, give it to him!
What is he doing?
Its okay, its okay.
I'm not one of them.
What's he thinking?
Stop the fight!
No! I need you all to see this.
They're not what we think they are.
We don't have to kill them.
I said stop the fight!
Out of my way!
Hiccup!
Hiccup!
This way!
Night Fury!
Alright, Toothless. Go!
Get out of here.
Go, go!
No, dad!
Dad, he won't hurt you!
Toothless, stop!
No. No!
Get him!
No, no, please.
Just don't hurt him
Please. Don't hurt him
Put it with the others.
I should have known.
I should have seen the signs.
- Dad?
- We had a deal!
I know! We did, but that was before I ...
Oh, it's all so messed up.
So everything in that ring ...
A trick? A lie?
I screwed up.
I should have told you before now.
Take this out on me, be mad at me,
but please, just don't hurt Toothless.
The dragon?
That's what you're worried about?
Not the people you almost killed?
He was just protecting me!
He's not dangerous.
They've killed hundreds of us!
And we've killed thousands of them.
They defend themselves, that's all.
They raid us because they have to.
If they don't bring enough food back,
they'll be eaten themselves.
There's something else on their island, dad.
It's a dragon-like ...
Their island?
So, you've been to the nest?
- Did I say nest?
- How did you find it?
No, no, I didn't. Toothless did.
Only a dragon can find the island.
No, no, dad, no please.
Its not what you think.
You don't know what your up against.
It's like nothing you've ever seen.
Dad, please, I promise you.
You can't win this one!
Dad, no!
For once in your life,
would you please just listen to me!
You've thrown your lot in with them.
You're not a Viking.
You're not my son!
Ready the ships!
Set sail!
We head for Hell-hinds Gate.
Lead us home, devil.
It's a mess.
You must feel horrible.
You've lost everything.
Your father, your tribe, your best friend.
Thank you for summing that up.
Why couldn't I've killed that dragon,
when I found him in the woods?
Would've been better for everyone.
Yep, the rest of us would have done it.
So, why didn't you?
Why didn't you?
I don't know. I couldn't.
- That's not an answer.
- Why is this so important to you all of a sudden?
Because I want to remember
what you say, right now.
Ah, for the love of ...
I was coward, I was weak.
I wouldn't kill a dragon!
You said wouldn't that time?
Whatever, I wouldn't!
300 years and I'm the first Viking
who wouldn't kill a dragon.
First to ride one though.
So?
I wouldn't kill him because
he looked as frightened as I was.
I looked at him and I saw myself.
I bet he's really frightened now.
What are you gonna do about it?
Probably something stupid.
Good, but you've already done that.
Then something crazy!
That's more like it.
Sound your positions!
Stay within earshot.
Listen, Stoick, I was overhearing some
of the men just now and well, you know, ...
... some of them are wondering
what it is we're up to here?
Not me of course. I know you
are always the man with the plan.
But some, not me, are wondering
if there is in fact a plan at all ...
... and what it might be?
Find the nest and take it.
Of course. Send them running.
The old Viking fallback. Nice and simple.
Step aside.
Head to port.
If you're planning on getting eaten,
I'd definitely go with the Gronckle.
You were wise to seek help from the
world's most deadly weapon.
It's me.
- I love this plan!
- I didn't ...
You're crazy. I like that.
So, what is the plan?
That's not very encouraging.
Oh, I was wondering where that went.
Stay low, and ready your weapons.
We're here.
Wait, what are you ...?!
It's okay. ... It's okay.
Where are you going?
You're gonna need
something to help you hold on.
When we crack this mountain open,
all hell is gonna break loose.
... in my undies.
Good thing I brought extras.
No matter how this ends,
it ends today.
Is that it?
We've done it!
This isn't over!
Form your ranks.
Pull together!
Get clear!
Beards of Thor, ... !
What is that?
Odin, help us!
- Catapults!
- Fire!
- Get to the ships!
- No, nooo!
- Not that one ...
- I was a fool.
Lead the men to
the far side of the island.
Gobber, go with the men.
I think I'll stay, just in case
you're thinking of doing something crazy.
I can buy them a few minutes
if I give that thing something to hunt for.
Then I can double that time.
- Here!
- Oh, no. Here!
- Fight me!
- No, me!
Ruff, Tuff, watch your backs!
Move, Fishlegs!
Look at us! We're on dragons!
We're on dragons! All of us!
Every bit the bull-headed
stubborn Viking you ever were.
- Fishlegs, break it down!
- Okay.
Heavily armored skull and tail made for
bashing and crushing. Steer clear of both.
Small eyes, large nostrils.
Relies on hearing and smell.
Okay, Lout, Legs, hang in it's blind spot.
Make some noise. Keep it confused.
Ruff, Tuff, find out if it has
a shot limit. Make it mad.
- That's my specialty!
- Since when?
Everyone knows I'm more irritating, see.
Just do what I told you.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
- Don't worry! We got it covered!
Yeah!
- Fool!
- Butto!
Bye, ya Grendel!
Um, this thing doesn't have a blind spot!
There!
Go help the others!
Okay, hold on. Hold on.
- Its working!
- Yeah, its working!
I've lost power on the Gronckle!
Snotlout, do something!
I'm okay!
Less okay.
I can't miss! Whats wrong, buddy?
You got something in your eye?
Yeah, you're the Viking!
Woah!
Dad?
You got it, bud!
Hiccup!
I'm sorry ...
... for ... for everything.
Yeah ... me too.
You don't have to go up there.
We're Vikings.
It's an occupational hazard
I'm proud to call you my son.
Thanks, Dad.
He's up!
Get Snotlout outta there!
- I'm on it!
- I'm on it first!
Hey, let me drive!
- Don't push me!
- I'll push your teeth out!
You know, I can't believe that worked.
- Night Fury!
- Get down!
Did you get her?
Go!
This thing has wings.
Okay, lets see if it can use them!
You think that did it?
Well, he can fly.
Okay, Toothless, time to disappear!
Come on, bud!
Here it comes!
Watch out!
Okay, times up.
Let's see if this works.
Come on!
Is that the best you can do?
Stay with me, buddy. We're good.
Just a little bit longer.
Hold, Toothless.
Now!
No ... No!
Hiccup!
Hiccup!
Son!
Hiccup!
Oh son!
I did this.
I'm s...
I'm so sorry.
Hiccup!
He's alive!
You brought him back alive!
Thank you ...
for saving my son.
Well, you know, most of him.
Hey, Toothless.
Happy to see you too, buddy.
Aawww, what ... uh ...
I'm ... in my house
You're in my house.
Does my dad know you're here?
Uh, what, oh, okay, ... okay.
Toothless, no.
Toothless! Aw, come on.
Okay.
Thanks, bud.
Toothless, stay here.
C'mon guys. Get ready!
Hold on tight. Here we go!
What?
I knew it. I'm dead.
No, but you gave it your best shot.
So, what do you think?
Hey look, it's Hiccup!
Hiccup!
It turns out, all we needed
was a little more of ... this.
You just gestured to all of me?
Well, most of you.
That bit's my handiwork.
With a little Hiccup flare thrown in.
You think that'll do?
I might make a few tweaks.
That's ... for scaring me.
What ... what, is it always going
to be this way? Because ...
I could get used to it.
Welcome home.
- Night Fury!
- Get down!
You ready?
This is Berk ...
It snows nine months of the year
and hails the other three.
Any food that grows here
is tough and tasteless.
The people that grow here
are even more so.
The only upsides
are the pets.
While other places have
ponies or parrots ...
We have ...
Dragons
It's 12 days North of hopeless and
a few degrees South of freezing to death.
It's located solidly on the Meridian of Misery.
My village.
In a word: sturdy.
It's been here for seven generations
but every single building is new.
We have fishing, hunting,
and a charming view of the sunsets.
The only problems are the pests.
You see, most places have mice or mosquitoes.
We have ...
... Dragons !!!
Most people would leave,
but not us.
We're Vikings.
We have stubbornness issues.
My name is Hiccup.
Great name, I know.
But it's not the worst.
Parents believe a hideous name
will frighten off Gnomes and Trolls.
Like our charming
Viking demeanor wouldn't do that.
' Morning.
- What are you doing here?
- Get inside!
Get back inside!
Hiccup! What is he doing out again ...
What are you doing out? Get inside!
That's Stoick the Vast, Chief of the tribe.
They say that when he was a baby he
popped a Dragon's head clean off its shoulders.
Do I believe it?
Yes, I do.
What have we got?
Gronckles, Nadders, Zipplebacks ...
Oh, and hordes of Monstruous Nightmares.
Any Night Furys?
- None so far.
- Good.
Light the torches!
Oh, nice of you to join the party.
I thought you'd been carried off.
Who? Me? Nah, come on ...
I'm way too muscular for their taste.
They wouldn't know
what to do with all ... this.
Well, they need toothpicks, don't they?
The meathead with the attitude
and interchangeable hands, is Gobber.
I have been his apprentice
ever since I was little.
Well, littler
We move to the moor defenses.
We'll counterattack with the catapults.
See? Old village.
Lots and lots of new houses.
Fire!
Oh, and that's Fishlegs
Snotlout
The twins, Ruffnut and Tuffnut ...
And ...
Astrid .
Aww, their job is so much cooler.
Oh, come on. Let me out, please.
I need to make my mark!
Oh, you have made plenty of marks.
All in the wrong places.
Please, 2 minutes. I'll kill a dragon.
My life will get infinitely better.
I might even get a date.
You can't lift a hammer.
You can't swing an axe.
You can't even throw one of these.
Okay, fine,
but this will throw it for me.
See, now this right here
is what I'm talking about.
But it ... it's a mild calibration issue.
Hiccup, if you ever want
to get out there to fight dragons
you need to stop all ....
... this.
But you just pointed to all of me.
Yes, that's it.
Stop being all of you.
- Oh ...
- Oh, yes.
You sir, are playing a dangerous game ...
... keeping this much raw Vikingness contained.
- There will be consequences!
- I'll take my chances.
Sword, sharpened, now !
One day I'll get out there.
Because killing a dragon
is everything around here.
A Nadderhead is sure
to get me at least noticed.
Gronckles are tough.
Taking down one of those
would definitely get me a girlfriend.
A Zippleback: ...
exotic, two heads, twice the status.
They found the ship!
Concentrate fire over the lower bank!
Hurry up!
Fire!
And then, there's the Monstruous Nightmare.
Only the best Vikings go after those.
They have this nasty habit
of setting themselves on fire.
Reload!
I'll take care of this.
But the ultimate prize
is the dragon no one's ever seen.
We call it the ...
- Night Fury!
- Get down!
Jump!
This thing never steals food,
never shows itself, and ...
... never misses.
No one has ever killed a Night Fury.
That's why I'm going to be the first.
Mind the fort, Hiccup.
They need me out there.
Stay! ...
Put! ...
There !
You know what I mean.
- Hiccup, what are you doing?
- Come back here!
Yeah, I know,
Be right back!
Mind yourself!
The devils still have some juice in them.
Come on.
Give me something to shoot at.
Give me something to shoot at.
Oh! I hit it?
Yes, I hit it!
Did anybody see that?
Except for you.
- Do not let them escape!
- Right!
You're all out.
Oh, and there's one
more thing you need to know ...
Sorry, Dad.
Okay, but I hit a Night Fury.
It's not like the last few times, Dad!
I mean, I really actually hit ...
You guys were busy
and I had a very clear shot.
It went down just off Raven Point.
Let's get a search party out there before ...
Stop!
Just, stop!
Every time you step outside,
disaster falls.
Can you not see
that I have bigger problems?
Winter is almost here and I
have an entire village to feed!
Between you and me, the village could
do with a little less feeding, don't you think?
This isn't a joke, Hiccup!
Why can't you follow the simplest orders?
I, I can't stop myself.
I see a dragon and I have to just ...
... kill it.
You know, it's who I am, Dad.
Oh, you are many things, Hiccup,
but a dragon killer is not one of them.
Get back to the house.
Make sure he gets there.
I have his mess to clean up.
Quite the performance.
I've never seen anyone
mess up that badly. That helped!
Thank you. Thank you.
I was trying.
- I really did hit one.
- Sure, Hiccup.
- He never listens.
- Well, it runs in the family.
And when he does, it's always
with this disappointed scowl
like someone skimped
on the meat in his sandwich.
Excuse me, barmaid. I'm afraid
you brought me the wrong offspring.
I ordered an extra large boy with beefy arms.
Extra guts and glory on the side.
This here. This is a talking fish bone!
Now, you're thinking about this all wrong.
It's not so much what you look like.
It's what's inside that he can't stand.
Thank you for summing that up.
Look, the point is, stop trying so hard
to be something you're not.
I just want to be one of you guys.
Either we face them or they'll finish us.
It's the only way we'll be rid of them.
If we find the nest and destroy it,
the dragons will leave.
They'll find another home.
One more search, before the ice sets in.
Those ships never come back.
We're Vikings.
It's an occupational hazard.
Now who's with me?
Alright, ...
Those who stay will look after Hiccup.
Now, that's more like it.
I'll pack my undies.
No, I need you to stay,
and train some new recruits.
Oh, perfect, yeah. And while I'm busy
Hiccup can cover the store.
Molten steel, razor sharp blades,
lots of time to himself ...
What could possibly go wrong?
Oh, what am I going
to do with him, Gobber?
Put him in training with the others.
- No, I'm serious.
- So am I.
He'd be killed before you
let the first dragon out of its cage.
- Oh, you don't know that.
- I do know that.
- No you don't
- No, actually, I do.
- No, you don't.
- Listen, you know what he's like.
From the time he could crawl
he's been ... different.
He doesn't listen. He has
the attention span of a sparrow.
I take him fishing and
he goes hunting for .. for Trolls!
Trolls exist!
They steal your socks.
But only the left ones.
What's with that?
- When I was a boy ...
- Oh, here we go.
My father told me to bang my head
against a rock, ... and I did it.
I thought it was crazy,
but I didn't question him.
And you know what happened?
- You got a headache.
- That rock split in two.
It taught me what a Viking could do, Gobber.
He could crush mountains,
level forests, ...
... tame seas!
Even as a boy I knew what I was,
what I had to become ...
Hiccup is not that boy.
You can't stop him, Stoick.
You can only prepare him.
I know it seems hopeless, but the truth is
you won't always be around to protect him.
He's going to get out there again.
He's probably out there now.
Oh, the gods hate me.
Some people lose their knife or their mug.
No, not me!
I managed to lose an entire dragon.
Ow!
Oh, wow? I.. I did it?
Oh, I did it!
This fixes everything. Yes!
I have brought down this mighty beast!
I'm gonna kill you, dragon.
I'm gonna ... I'm gonna cut out
your heart and take it to my father.
I'm a Viking.
I'm a Viking!
I did this.
Hiccup.
Dad? Uh ...
- I have to talk to you, Dad.
- I need to speak with you too, son.
- I think it's time you learned to fight dragons.
- I don't want to fight dragons.
- What?
- What?
- Uh, you go first.
- No, no, you go first.
All right. You got your wish.
Dragon training. You start in the morning.
Oh man, I should have gone first.
Uh, cause I was thinking. You know,
we have a surplus of dragon fighting Vikings but, ...
do we have enough bread-making Vikings,
or small home repair Vikings ...
- You'll need this.
- I don't want to fight dragons.
- Oh come on, yes you do.
- Rephrase. Dad, I can't kill dragons.
But you will kill dragons.
No, I'm really very extra sure that I won't.
- It's time, Hiccup.
- Can you not hear me?
This is serious, son.
When you carry this axe,
you carry all of us with you.
Which means: You walk like us.
You talk like us. You think like us.
- No more of ... this.
- You just gestured to all of me.
- Deal?
- This conversation is feeling very one-sided.
Deal?
Deal.
Good.
Train hard.
I'll be back. Probably.
And I'll be here ... maybe.
Welcome to dragon training.
No turning back.
I hope I get some serious burns.
I'm hoping for some mauling,
like on my shoulder or lower back.
Yeah, it's only fun if you get a scar out of it.
Yeah, no kidding, right? Pain, love it.
Oh, great, who let him in?
Lets get started.
The recruit who does best,
will win the honor of killing his first
dragon in front of the entire village.
Hiccup already killed a Night Fury,
so does that disqualify him or ...?
Can I transfer to the class
with the cool Vikings?
Don't worry. You're small and you're weak,
That will make you a less of a target.
They'll see you as sick or insane
and go after the more Viking-like teens instead.
Behind these doors are just a few of the
many species you will learn to fight.
- The Deadly Nadder.
- Speed: 8, Armor: 16.
- The Hideous Zippleback.
- 11 stealth times two.
- The Monstrous Nightmare.
- Fire Power: 15.
- The Terrible Terror.
- Attack: 8, Venom: 12.
Can you stop that!
- And the Gronckle.
- Jaw Strength: 8.
Woah, woah, wait, aren't you going to teach us first?
I believe in learning on the job.
Today is about survival.
If you get blasted, you're dead.
Quick! What's the first thing
you're going to need?
- A doctor?
- + 5 Speed?
- A shield?
- Shield. Go.
Your most important piece
of equipment is your shield.
If you must make a choice
between a sword or a shield.
Take the shield.
- Get your hands off my shield.
- There's like a million shields.
Take that one.
It has a flower on it. Girls like flowers.
Oops, now this one has blood on it.
Tuffnut, Ruffnut, your out.
- What?
- What?
Those shields are good for another
thing. Noise.
Make lots of it and throw off a dragon's aim.
All dragons have a limited number of shots.
How many does a Gronckle have?
- Five?
- No, six.
Right, six. Thats one for each of you.
Fishlegs, out.
Hiccup, get in there!
So anyway, I moved into my parents' basement...
You should come by sometimes to work out,
You look like you work out.
Snotlout, your done.
- So I guess its just you and me.
- Nope, just you.
One shot left.
Hiccup!
And that's 6.
Go back to bed you overgrown sausage.
You'll get another chance.
Don't you worry.
Remember, a dragon will always ...
... always go for the kill.
So why didn't you?
Well this was stupid.
Why don't you just fly away?
Alright, where did Astrid
go wrong in the ring today?
I mistimed my sommersault dive.
It was sloppy. It threw off my reverse tumble.
- Yeah, we noticed.
- No, no you were great. That was so Astrid.
She's right. You have to be tough on yourselves.
Where did Hiccup go wrong?
- Uh, he showed up?
- He didn't get eaten.
He's never where he should be.
Thank you, Astrid.
You need to live and breathe this stuff.
The Dragon Manual ...
Everything we know about every dragon we know of.
No attacks tonight.
Hurry up.
- Wait? You mean read?
- While we're still alive?
Why read words when you can just
kill the stuff the words tell you stuff about?
Oh, I've read it like 7 times.
There's this water dragon
that sprays boiling water at your face
and there's this other one
that buries itself for like a week ...
Yeah, sounds great.
There was a chance I was going to read that.
But now ...
You guys read, I'll go kill something.
Hey!
- So I guess we'll share?
- Read it.
All mine then? Wow. So, okay.
I'll see you uh, ... tomorrow.
Dragon Classifications
Strike Class, Fear Class, Mystery Class.
Thunder Drum. This reclusive dragon
inhabits sea caves and dark tide pools.
When startled, the Thunder Drum produces a
concussive sound that can kill a man at close range.
Extremely dangerous. Kill on sight.
Timberjack: This gigantic creature has razor-sharp
wings that can slice through full-grown trees.
Extremely dangerous. Kill on sight.
Skulldren: Sprays scalding water on its victim.
Extremely dangerous ...
Changeling: Even newly hatch dragons can spray acid.
Kill on sight.
Gronckle, Zippleback, The Skrill,
Boneknapper, Whispering Death.
Burns its victims.
Buries its victims. Chokes its victims.
Turns its victims inside out.
Extremely dangerous. ...
Extremely dangerous. ...
Kill on sight. ... Kill on sight. ...
Kill on sight. ...
Night Fury: Speed unknown.
Size unknown.
The unholy offspring of
lightning and death itself.
Never engage this dragon.
Your only chance:
Hide and pray it does not find you.
I can almost smell them. They're close.
Steady.
- Take us in.
- Hard to port.
The Hell Hounds gate.
Hard to port.
Hey, you know, I just happened to notice,
the book had nothing on Night Furys.
Is there like another book? or a sequel?
Maybe a little Night Fury pamphlet?
Focus Hiccup!
You're not even trying.
Today is all about attack!
Nadder's are quick and light on their feet.
You be quicker and lighter.
I'm really beginning
to question your teaching methods.
Look for its blind spot.
Every dragon has one.
Find it. Hide in it, and strike.
- Do you ever bathe?
- You don't like it, then just get your own blind spot.
How about I give you one?
Blind spot, yes.
Death spot, not-so-much.
Hey, hey, so how would one
sneak up on a Night Fury?
No one's ever met one, and lived
to tell the tale. Now, get in there!
I know, I know but hypothetically ...
Watch out, babe, I'll be taking care of this.
The sun was in my eyes, Astrid.
What do you want me to do?
Block out the sun?
I can do that.
I don't have time right now.
- Has anyone ever seen one napping?
- Hiccup!
Hiccup!
- Love on the battlefield.
- She could do better.
L-Let me ... why don't you ..
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Well done, Astrid.
Is this some kind of a joke to you?
Our parents' war is about to become ours.
Figure out which side your on.
Huh? Toothless.
I could have sworn you had ...
... teeth.
Uh, uh, ... no, no, ... no ...
I ... I don't have any more.
And with one twist,
he took my hand and swallowed it whole.
And I saw the look in his face.
I was delicious.
He must have passed the word,
because it wasn't a month
before another one of them took my leg.
Isn't it weird to think that your
hand was inside a dragon?
Like, if your mind was still in control of it,
you could have killed the dragon from the inside
by crushing his heart or something.
I swear, I'm so angry right now.
I'll avenge your beautiful hand
and your beautiful foot.
I'll chop off the legs of every dragon
I fight ... with my face!
No. Its the wings
and the tails you really want.
If it can't fly, it can't get away.
A downed dragon is a dead dragon.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Alright, I'm off to bed.
You should be too.
Tomorrow we get to the big boys.
Slowly but surely, making our way
up to Monstrous Nightmare.
- But who'll win the honor of killing it?
- It's gonna be me. It's my destiny. See?
- Your mom let you get a tattoo?
- It's not a tattoo. It's a birth mark.
Okay, I've been stuck with you since birth
and that was never there before.
Yes, it was. You've just never
seen me to the left side until now.
Hey, Toothless.
I brought breakfast.
I hope ... I hope you're hungry.
Okay, that's disgusting.
I got some salmon, some nice
Icelandic cod, and a whole smoked eel.
No, no, no, no, ... no. ... Okay.
Yeah, I don't really like eel much either.
That's it. That's the good stuff.
Aah, don't you mind me.
I'll just be back here, minding my own business.
Its okay ...
Okay, okay ...
Okay, that's not too bad.
It works.
No, no, no, no, no, no ... !
Oh my ... Its working!
Yes, yes, I did it.
Today, is about teamwork.
Now, a wet dragon head can't light its fire.
The Hideous Zippleback is extra tricky.
One head breathes gas.
The other head lights it.
Your job is to know which is which.
Razor-sharp serrated teeth,
and injects venom for predigestion.
Prefers ambush attack, crushing its victims.
Will you please stop that?!
If that dragon shows either
of his faces, I'm gonna ...
There!
Hey, its us, idiots!
Your butts are getting bigger
we thought you were a dragon.
Not that theres anything wrong
with a dragon-ass fig ...
Wait ...
Oh! ... Oh, I'm hurt!
I am very much hurt!
Chances of survival are
dwindling into single digits now.
Oh! Wrong head.
Fishlegs!
Now Hiccup!
Aww, come on ...
Hiccup!
Back, ... back, back!
Now don't you make me tell you again!
Yes, thats right.
Back into your cage!
Now think about what you've done.
Okay, sooo, were we done?
Cause I have some things I need to uh ...
Yep, I'll see you tomorrow.
Hey!
- What was that?
- How did you do that?
I left my axe back in the ring.
You guys go on ahead.
I'll catch up with you.
Meet the Terrible Terror.
Ha! It's like the size of my ...
Oooh! ... Get it off!
Oh, I'm hurt! I am very much hurt!
Wow! He's better than you ever were.
What?
Ooh, great.
Hiccup.
Hiccup? Are you in there?
Astrid, hey. Hi, Astrid.
Hi Astrid. Hi Astrid
I normally don't care what people do,
but you're acting weird.
Well, weirder.
Well, I trust you found the nest at least?
Not even close.
Excellent.
I hope you had a little
more success than me.
Well, if by success, you mean that your
parenting troubles are over with, ...
.. then, yes.
Congratulations Stoick!
Everyone is so relieved.
Out with the old,
and in with the new, right?
No one will miss that old nuisance.
The village is throwing a party to celebrate.
He's gone?
Um, yeah, most afternoons,
but who can blame him?
I mean, the life of
a celebrity is very rough.
He can barely walk through the village
without being swarmed by his new fans.
- Hiccup?
- Who would have thought it, eh?
He has this way with the beasts.
Okay there, bud, were gonna take this nice and slow.
Here we go. Here we go.
Position three, no, four.
Alright, it's go time.
It's go time.
Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy.
Yes, it works!
Sorry!
That's my fault.
Yeah, yeah, I'm on it.
Position four, uh, three.
"Yeah! Go baby!
Oh, this is amazing!
The wind in my ...
... cheat sheet!
Stop!
No!
Oh, Gosh!
Oh, God!
Oh no!
Alright. Okay.
You gotta kinda angle yourself!
Okay. No, no, no...
Come back down towards me.
Come back down ...
Oww!
- subs by majtjk0ng -
Yeah!
Come on ...
Uh, no thanks. I'm good.
Not so fire-proof
on the inside, are you?
Here you go.
Everything we know about you guys is wrong.
Dad, you're back!
Gobber's not here, so ...
I know.
I came looking for you.
- You did?
- You've been keeping secrets.
I have?
Just how long did you think
you could hide it from me?
I ... I don't know what you ...
Nothing happens on this island,
without me hearing about it.
Oh?
So, lets talk ... about that dragon
Oh Gods ...
Dad, I'm so sorry. I-
I was going to tell you, I
just didn't know how to uh ...
- Y-you're not upset?
- What? I was hoping for this!
- Ah, you were?
- And believe me ...
It only gets better. Just wait till you
spill a Nadder's guts for the first time ...
... and mount your first
Gronckle head on a spear.
What feeling!
You really had me going there, son.
All those years of the
worst Viking Berk has ever seen.
Odin, it was rough.
I almost gave up on you.
And all the while
you were holding out on me.
Oh, Thor almighty!
With you doing so well in the ring ...
... we finally have something to talk about.
I uh... I brought you something ...
... to keep you safe in the ring.
Wow, thanks.
Your mother would have wanted you to have it.
It's half of her breast plate.
Matching set. Keeps her ...
Keeps her close, you know?
Wear it proudly. You deserve it.
You've held up your end of the deal.
I should really get to bed.
- Yes, good, okay, good talk.
- Yeah ...
I'll see you back at the house.
Great. Thanks for stopping by and ...
- ... the uh ... breast hat.
- I hope you like the, umm, ... the hat.
Well, good night.
Stay out of my way.
I'm winning this thing!
Good. Please.
By all means.
This time!
This time for sure!
No! You, son-of-a half troll,
rat-eating munch bucket...!
Wait! Wait.
So ... later.
- Oh, oh! Not so fast!
- I'm kinda late for ...
What!
Late for what, exactly?
Okay, quiet down.
The Elder has decided.
Boy, you've done it!
You've done it, Hiccup!
You get to kill the dragon!
That's my boy!
Yeah! Yes, I can't wait.
I am so ...
... leaving. We're Leaving.
Lets pack up.
Looks like you and me are taking a little vacation.
Forever.
Awww, man.
What the ... ?
Uh, w .. what are you doing here?
I want to know what's going on.
No one just get as good as you do.
Especially ... you.
- Start talking.
- I ... I ...
Are you training with someone?
Training? I didn't ...
It better not involve this.
I know, this looks really bad
but you see, this is ...
You're right. You're right. You're right.
I ... I'm through with the lies.
I've been making ... outfits!
So, you got me.
It's time everyone knew.
Drag me back. Go ahead. Here we go.
Oww. Why would you do that?
That's for the lies!
And thats ...
for everything else!
Oh man.
Get down!
Run! Run!
No! No! It's okay. It's okay.
She's a friend.
You just scared him.
I scared him?
Who is him?
Astrid, Toothless.
Toothless, Astrid.
Dut, da da... We're dead.
Woah, woah woah.
Where do you think you're going?
Oh, great Odin! Don't.
Oh, this is ...
Hiccup, get me down from here!
You have to give me a chance to explain.
I am not listening to anything you have to say!
Then I won't speak.
Just let me show you.
Please, Astrid.
Now get me down!
Toothless, down.
Gently.
See, nothing to be afraid of.
Toothless?
What is wrong with you?
Bad dragon!
He's uh, he's not usually like this.
Oh, no!
Toothless, what are you doing?
We need her to like us!
And now he's spinning!
Thank you for nothing
you useless reptile!
Okay, I am sorry, I'm sorry.
Just get me off of this thing.
Alright, I admit it.
This is pretty cool.
It's amazing.
He's amazing.
So what now?
Hiccup, your final exam is tomorrow!
You know your gonna have to kill a ...
kill a dragon ...
Don't remind me.
Toothless, what happening?
Whoa, what is it?
Get down!
- What's going on?
- I don't know.
Toothless, you gotta
get us out of here, bud.
It looks like they're hauling in their kill.
What does that make us?
What my dad wouldn't give to find this.
Oh, it's satisfying to know that all
of our food has been dumped down a hole.
They're not eating any of it.
What ... was that?
Alright, bud, we gotta get
out of here. Now!
No, no, it totally makes sense.
It's like a giant beehive.
They're the workers,
and that's their queen.
It controls them.
Let's find your dad.
No, no.
No. Not yet.
They'll kill Toothless.
Astrid, we have to think
this through, carefully.
Hiccup, we just
discovered the dragon's nest.
The thing we've been after
since Vikings first sailed here.
And you want to keep it a secret?
To protect your pet dragon?
Are you serious?
Yes.
Okay. Then what do we do?
Just give me until tomorrow.
I'll figure something out.
Okay. ...
That's for kidnapping me.
That's for ...
everything else.
What are you looking at?
Well, I can show my face in public again.
If someone had told me that
in a few short weeks
Hiccup will go from,
well being ... uh ... Hiccup,
to placing first in dragon training.
Well, I would have tied him to a mast
and shipped him off. For fear he'd gone mad.
And you know it.
But, here we are.
And no ones more surprised
or more proud than I am.
Today my boy becomes a Viking!
Today he becomes one of us!
Be careful with that dragon.
It's not the dragon I'm worried about.
What are you going to do?
Put an end to this.
I have to try.
Astrid, if something goes wrong,
just make sure they don't find Toothless.
I will, just promise me
it won't go wrong.
It's time, Hiccup.
Knock 'em dead.
I'd have gone for the hammer.
I'm ready.
Go on Hiccup, give it to him!
What is he doing?
Its okay, its okay.
I'm not one of them.
What's he thinking?
Stop the fight!
No! I need you all to see this.
They're not what we think they are.
We don't have to kill them.
I said stop the fight!
Out of my way!
Hiccup!
Hiccup!
This way!
Night Fury!
Alright, Toothless. Go!
Get out of here.
Go, go!
No, dad!
Dad, he won't hurt you!
Toothless, stop!
No. No!
Get him!
No, no, please.
Just don't hurt him
Please. Don't hurt him
Put it with the others.
I should have known.
I should have seen the signs.
- Dad?
- We had a deal!
I know! We did, but that was before I ...
Oh, it's all so messed up.
So everything in that ring ...
A trick? A lie?
I screwed up.
I should have told you before now.
Take this out on me, be mad at me,
but please, just don't hurt Toothless.
The dragon?
That's what you're worried about?
Not the people you almost killed?
He was just protecting me!
He's not dangerous.
They've killed hundreds of us!
And we've killed thousands of them.
They defend themselves, that's all.
They raid us because they have to.
If they don't bring enough food back,
they'll be eaten themselves.
There's something else on their island, dad.
It's a dragon-like ...
Their island?
So, you've been to the nest?
- Did I say nest?
- How did you find it?
No, no, I didn't. Toothless did.
Only a dragon can find the island.
No, no, dad, no please.
Its not what you think.
You don't know what your up against.
It's like nothing you've ever seen.
Dad, please, I promise you.
You can't win this one!
Dad, no!
For once in your life,
would you please just listen to me!
You've thrown your lot in with them.
You're not a Viking.
You're not my son!
Ready the ships!
Set sail!
We head for Hell-hinds Gate.
Lead us home, devil.
It's a mess.
You must feel horrible.
You've lost everything.
Your father, your tribe, your best friend.
Thank you for summing that up.
Why couldn't I've killed that dragon,
when I found him in the woods?
Would've been better for everyone.
Yep, the rest of us would have done it.
So, why didn't you?
Why didn't you?
I don't know. I couldn't.
- That's not an answer.
- Why is this so important to you all of a sudden?
Because I want to remember
what you say, right now.
Ah, for the love of ...
I was coward, I was weak.
I wouldn't kill a dragon!
You said wouldn't that time?
Whatever, I wouldn't!
300 years and I'm the first Viking
who wouldn't kill a dragon.
First to ride one though.
So?
I wouldn't kill him because
he looked as frightened as I was.
I looked at him and I saw myself.
I bet he's really frightened now.
What are you gonna do about it?
Probably something stupid.
Good, but you've already done that.
Then something crazy!
That's more like it.
Sound your positions!
Stay within earshot.
Listen, Stoick, I was overhearing some
of the men just now and well, you know, ...
... some of them are wondering
what it is we're up to here?
Not me of course. I know you
are always the man with the plan.
But some, not me, are wondering
if there is in fact a plan at all ...
... and what it might be?
Find the nest and take it.
Of course. Send them running.
The old Viking fallback. Nice and simple.
Step aside.
Head to port.
If you're planning on getting eaten,
I'd definitely go with the Gronckle.
You were wise to seek help from the
world's most deadly weapon.
It's me.
- I love this plan!
- I didn't ...
You're crazy. I like that.
So, what is the plan?
That's not very encouraging.
Oh, I was wondering where that went.
Stay low, and ready your weapons.
We're here.
Wait, what are you ...?!
It's okay. ... It's okay.
Where are you going?
You're gonna need
something to help you hold on.
When we crack this mountain open,
all hell is gonna break loose.
... in my undies.
Good thing I brought extras.
No matter how this ends,
it ends today.
Is that it?
We've done it!
This isn't over!
Form your ranks.
Pull together!
Get clear!
Beards of Thor, ... !
What is that?
Odin, help us!
- Catapults!
- Fire!
- Get to the ships!
- No, nooo!
- Not that one ...
- I was a fool.
Lead the men to
the far side of the island.
Gobber, go with the men.
I think I'll stay, just in case
you're thinking of doing something crazy.
I can buy them a few minutes
if I give that thing something to hunt for.
Then I can double that time.
- Here!
- Oh, no. Here!
- Fight me!
- No, me!
Ruff, Tuff, watch your backs!
Move, Fishlegs!
Look at us! We're on dragons!
We're on dragons! All of us!
Every bit the bull-headed
stubborn Viking you ever were.
- Fishlegs, break it down!
- Okay.
Heavily armored skull and tail made for
bashing and crushing. Steer clear of both.
Small eyes, large nostrils.
Relies on hearing and smell.
Okay, Lout, Legs, hang in it's blind spot.
Make some noise. Keep it confused.
Ruff, Tuff, find out if it has
a shot limit. Make it mad.
- That's my specialty!
- Since when?
Everyone knows I'm more irritating, see.
Just do what I told you.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
- Don't worry! We got it covered!
Yeah!
- Fool!
- Butto!
Bye, ya Grendel!
Um, this thing doesn't have a blind spot!
There!
Go help the others!
Okay, hold on. Hold on.
- Its working!
- Yeah, its working!
I've lost power on the Gronckle!
Snotlout, do something!
I'm okay!
Less okay.
I can't miss! Whats wrong, buddy?
You got something in your eye?
Yeah, you're the Viking!
Woah!
Dad?
You got it, bud!
Hiccup!
I'm sorry ...
... for ... for everything.
Yeah ... me too.
You don't have to go up there.
We're Vikings.
It's an occupational hazard
I'm proud to call you my son.
Thanks, Dad.
He's up!
Get Snotlout outta there!
- I'm on it!
- I'm on it first!
Hey, let me drive!
- Don't push me!
- I'll push your teeth out!
You know, I can't believe that worked.
- Night Fury!
- Get down!
Did you get her?
Go!
This thing has wings.
Okay, lets see if it can use them!
You think that did it?
Well, he can fly.
Okay, Toothless, time to disappear!
Come on, bud!
Here it comes!
Watch out!
Okay, times up.
Let's see if this works.
Come on!
Is that the best you can do?
Stay with me, buddy. We're good.
Just a little bit longer.
Hold, Toothless.
Now!
No ... No!
Hiccup!
Hiccup!
Son!
Hiccup!
Oh son!
I did this.
I'm s...
I'm so sorry.
Hiccup!
He's alive!
You brought him back alive!
Thank you ...
for saving my son.
Well, you know, most of him.
Hey, Toothless.
Happy to see you too, buddy.
Aawww, what ... uh ...
I'm ... in my house
You're in my house.
Does my dad know you're here?
Uh, what, oh, okay, ... okay.
Toothless, no.
Toothless! Aw, come on.
Okay.
Thanks, bud.
Toothless, stay here.
C'mon guys. Get ready!
Hold on tight. Here we go!
What?
I knew it. I'm dead.
No, but you gave it your best shot.
So, what do you think?
Hey look, it's Hiccup!
Hiccup!
It turns out, all we needed
was a little more of ... this.
You just gestured to all of me?
Well, most of you.
That bit's my handiwork.
With a little Hiccup flare thrown in.
You think that'll do?
I might make a few tweaks.
That's ... for scaring me.
What ... what, is it always going
to be this way? Because ...
I could get used to it.
Welcome home.
- Night Fury!
- Get down!
You ready?
This is Berk ...
It snows nine months of the year
and hails the other three.
Any food that grows here
is tough and tasteless.
The people that grow here
are even more so.
The only upsides
are the pets.
While other places have
ponies or parrots ...
We have ...
Dragons
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Legion
When I was a little girl,
my mother would remind me
each night before bed
to open up my heart to God,
for he was kind,merciful and just.
Things changed when my
father left a few years later...
leaving her to raise me and my brothers in a little place
on the edge of the Mojave Desert.
She never talked of a
kind, merciful God again.
Instead she spoke of a prophecy....
Of a time when all the world
would be covered in darkness,
and the fate of mankind
would be decided.
One night I finally got up
the courage to ask my mother
Why God had changed?
Why he was so mad at his children?
"I don't know," she said,
tucking the covers around me.
"I guess he just got tired
of all the bullshit."
Goddamn animals.
In nights like this I'd like to take a match to this city so
I could watch all these motherfuckers burn.
Just a good ol' boy barbecue, eh?
A fresh start.
That’s what this place needs.
Stop! Drop the bags,
put your hands on your head!
It’s starting.
There isn’t much time.
Shut the fuck up and drop the bags now!
Hands on your head!
On your head!
Turn around!
Turn the fuck around!
Let him go!
Let him fuck...
Burton!
What are you doing, Michael?
These weren't your orders.
What is he saying?
No, I'm following my own orders now.
Then you will die along with the child.
Burton, you fucking know this guy?
What the hell is...
You okay, Jeep?
Sorry I woke you, Charlie.
-Yeah.
Wasn't you.
He's been kicking up a storm all night.
Must know something I don't.
Another bad dream?
It's just stress, Jeep, that's all.
You do too much worrying.
About this place,
about your dad.
About me.
You're the only thing I
like to worry about.
See what I mean?
You're worried about a girl that's eight months pregnant,
and it isn't your baby.
It's enough to give
anybody nightmares.
Go ahead and make fun of me.
Everybody else does.
- Come on.
You know how much I appreciate everything
that you and Bob are doing for me.
By the month from now,
this baby will have a new family.
I need to start to think about what the hell
I'm gonna do with my life.
You're still going through with it?
I'm not ready to be a mama.
Christ, I can barely take care of myself as it is.
I can help you.
We can do it together, you know.
I want to.
You got to stop carrying the weight of the world
on your shoulders, Jeep.
I don't know whether I like it very much being
seen around with an angel without any wings.
I've got to earn them and
you'll help me, won't you so?
Lord as my witness, Bob, one of these days that
thing's gonna hit you back.
What are you talking about, Percy?
We got a special relationship here.
Yeah, they got names for that kind of relationship.
It's disgusting.
You're right.
It is disgusting.
Really. How can she go out
in public looking like that?
I don't know.
Why don't we just ask her?
Howard, don't.
You'll embarrass me.
Audrey, honey?
Your mother was wondering
if you got dressed this morning
with the specific intention
of showing your ass off to the entire world?
It's because I woke up hoping to get
double teamed by a couple of
meth head truckers
in some bathroom of a desert shithole.
It's good that we got stuck here.
I feel satisfied with that answer.
I really do.
I'm being punished for something, I know it.
Shit.
Next service in fifty miles.
Fifty miles?
Merry Christmas.
- What's so merry about it?
You know that shit isn't good for the baby.
Guess I should think
about quitting, then.
Before you quit,
can I get one from you?
You can buy a whole pack inside.
How about I get one from you, and I give you
two from the pack you're gonna sell me in there?
I'm kind of lost.
Am I right here?
- Not even close.
Son of a bitch...
Are there any phone around
here that actually work?
Bob will probably let you use the diner phone
if you ask him nice.
Maybe pay him a little something.
- I think I can handle that.
You got anything in there to eat?
Pancakes, or...
Yup. We got a buttermilk
stack for three seventy-five,
French toast for four
dollars if you're into that.
Personally I like the pancakes though.
You okay, Charlie?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
This guy is just lost.
Who is that?
What do you want me to do?
- Talk to him.
Things should have been
ready two goddamn hours ago.
I hope Salem Lights are
all right, that's all we got left.
Charlie, where have you been?
It's not a resort, we've
got orders stacking up.
You best not be smoking again.
Not in your condition.
- Bob, see where I'm at right now?
Can my condition really get any worse?
Besides, you ain't one to talk.
- What? I quit two years ago.
Yeah? So why are you still carrying that
fancy lighter around?
It's a gift from my ex-wife...
I'm sentimental.
I want to remember how much I hate her guts.
Hey, man, you got a phone I can use?
My cell phone ain't got no reception,
and the phone booth outside is busted.
Excuse me, is there any news about
when our car might be fixed?
You said your boy would have us back
on the road two hours ago.
And I gotta say this...
The rate we're going, we'll be lucky
to make it to Scottsdale by Christmas.
Hey?! Hood's up on this beamer.
That mean anything to you?
Yeah.
What the hell are you working on that's so
damn important you're not doing your job?
-Nothing.
I found it under a bunch of
stuff in the storage shed.
I know you never liked
throw anything away so...
What are you doing?
- What?
Look Jeep, I like Charlie. I do.
And I think it's really nice you're
giving her a helping hand... - Leave me alone!
- She's not your responsibility!
Hey! Don't you walk away from me
when I'm talking to you!
How long you gonna follow her around
like a little puppy dog looking for higher teet?
Cleaning up whole mess work she makes while
she steps out with every guy but you?
Don't say that about her!
She's not like that.
Look. I know it doesn't make
much sense to you.
I know it doesn't make sense to me either.
I've been having these
dreams about her.
Some of them so bad...
I wish I'd never have
to sleep again.
I can't explain it, dad.
I just feel like it's
something I got to do.
You know your mother thought
I was crazy wanting to buy this place..
Moving us all the way up here, in the middle of nowhere.
But I just knew it was
something I had to do.
I couldn't explain it either.
Just like you.
I told your mother: "Trust me".
"You just wait and see,
when they build that big mall out there,
with all the superstores like they've been planning
on for years, this place is going to be a goldmine."
Only problem was: I was wrong.
They went and built the whole
damned thing in another county,
and I looked pretty damn stupid.
And I see you making
the same damn mistake I made.
Believing in something that's
never going to happen.
You listen to me, son. It's
time for you to leave here.
I don't want to see you wake up one day
old and pissed off, realizing you're lost,
just like everybody else
that stops here.
Go on. Fix the car.
I want these people out
of here by nightfall.
He's about this close
to wrapping it up.
What is wrong with you today?
I told you to get the satellite TV.
But you didn't want to listen.
What the hell do I need that crap for?
- The History Channel, man.
I got all the history I can take.
That's for sure.
- What's your beef now?
You don’t need to be
watching this anyway.
All right baby. This is
gonna be it, right here.
Clear as day.
What the hell is that?
Well, they're testing something.
"This is not a test"
That doesn't look like a test.
- Can I just use the phone?
It's back past the kitchen.
Excuse me, but if this
were an actual emergency,
wouldn't they be giving us
instructions on what to do?
Percy, check out that old radio of yours,
see if there's any news about the TV.
Put my little man on the phone.
Because a father is supposed to be able
to talk to his son, that’s why.
I don't care what your lawyer said, I got my own lawyer,
now put him on the god damn phone.
Hello?
Your phone is breaking
up, do you hear me?
Shit.
Maybe there was an earthquake.
- A lot of people in the desert.
Not if it was centered in the desert.
- Yeah, could be nothing to worry about.
So why is the TV out?
- Maybe it was terrorists.
Oh God.
- For crying out loud, there's no use speculating.
I'll just call my brother up in Needles,
he'll probably know something.
I don't think so.
- What do you mean?
I was just on the phone,
the shit cut off in the middle of my conversation.
I want my money back.
- This is perfect,absolutely perfect.
Hey hey, everybody.
Simmer down.
There's nothing to get excited about,
they're probably just working on the lines.
Besides, Jeep's going to have your car fixed in a jiffy,
then you can be on your way, so...
Good.
Have a seat wherever you want ma'am.
Specials are on the board.
I already know what I want.
- Okay. What will it be?
I'll have a steak, please.
- How would you like it?
Rare, if you would.
And water, no ice.
Coming right up.
- Charlie, is it?
Yeah.
- Unusual name for a girl.
So they say. I'll be right
back with your water.
Hello, I'm Gladys.
Gladys Foster.
Oh, hello Gladys, it's
so nice to meet you.
I'm Sandra. And this is
my husband, Howard.
What a nice looking young couple.
What brings you up to these parts?
We're on our way to Scottsdale, but our car
broke down and we're stuck here until it's fixed.
What a nuisance.
Gladys, the lines seem to
be down around here,
the phone and the TV and I was just wondering
if you might have heard something on your way up,
about what's going on?
Oh, you don't have to worry
about that, sweetheart.
It'll all be over soon.
Okay.
So what are we looking at?
- I don't know.
It's probably something wrong with the computer,
but we don't have the gear to test it here.
Oh, shit.
They're gonna be pissed.
Just tell them we'll
call it in and tow it.
That's not gonna happen.
The phone's out.
What?
- Yeah.
Thank you, dear.
How far along are you?
Oh, just about there.
The father must be very proud.
I wouldn't know. He's
out of sight, out of mind.
I see.
So I take it you're not married?
- No.
That's too bad.
- No, I prefer it that way.
I don't need a man telling me what to do.
But what about the baby?
- I've got it under control.
But it's gonna burn.
What did you just say?
- I said your fucking baby's gonna burn.
Go to hell, lady.
Fucking Jesus freak.
- What happened?
All little babies are gonna burn.
- Gladys...
Shut up you stupid fucking cunt.
All you do is complain, complain, complain!
What?
What? What?
- Harold, no...
I don't know who the hell you think you are,
but I'd like you to apologize to my...
You're all going to fucking die!
What the fuck, man?
Shoot her, Jeep!
You will never save her.
Upucaj kuju!
Shoot that bitch!
Somebody help me!
Don't look at me like that.
I’m trying to help.
Calm down.
Keep pressure on his neck.
Easy.
How far is it to the hospital?
- How the hell did she do that ?
I don't know. I don't know.
- 70, maybe 80 miles.
80 miles? I'll get there as soon as
I can but I can't steer.
Please drive faster.
- Okay.
What the hell is that?
It's clouds, what do you think they are?
Clouds don't buzz!
I can't believe she was still standing after Percy
hit her with that frying pan.
He broke her fucking
neck, I saw it, I swear.
Did you see the gun that guy had?
What's a guy doing with a gun like that?
Hey, Jeep. It's alright, son.
I couldn't pull the trigger.
I froze.
I saw what I needed to do.
But I was too afraid.
She would've killed you.
She would've killed Charlie.
Hey! You ain't got nothing
to be ashamed of...
You hear me, son?
Not everybody can play the hero.
Especially when it comes
to pulling the trigger.
What happened?
What's going on?
Gonna get my Bible!
- What for?
Somebody's gotta start praying.
Jesus, she's burning up.
How is that possible?
She's been dead for an hour.
I don't care how long she's been dead.
The bitch just walked on the ceiling.
She ain't staying in here.
The old bitch is heavy.
Hold her up.
Where are the flies?
- How am I supposed to know?
Are you asking me to explain the behavior
of a motherfucking pestilence?
Hey. Somebody's coming.
Što sad?
All right. Now we're talking.
- Wait a second ? LAPD?
I'm from Vegas, man.
- Give me the gun.
Oh my God.
Charlie, wait.
Take one more step and
I'll drop you right there.
Is that how you greet
all your customers?
Mister, after what we've been through
you're lucky we don't shoot you first
and greet you later.
Let me see your teeth.
Teeth, goddamn it!
Let me see them!
No sharp teeth, Pop.
Okay then, how about
you tell us your name?
Michael.
Sorry about that, Michael.
We had this old lady here,
went crazy in my place.
She had these teeth.
Never seen anything like it.
Practically bit a man in half.
What are you doing out here, anyway?
You don't look like any
policeman I ever saw.
Even the ones from L.A.
Ali mora biti, je li tako?
But he's got to be, right?
Who'd be crazy enough to steal a cop car?
You don't know, do you?
- Don't know what?
We don't know anything.
Nothing works,
the TV, the radio, the phone.
I'm running out of time.
- Hold on there, fella.
You better start talking or
get the hell out of here.
Dad, just tell him you're sorry.
Now I'm sure you don't
want to go spilling blood
for no good reason, in front
of all these decent people.
What do you say? Just let Bob go and then
you will be on your way, nice and easy.
They're here.
You're gonna need this.
Wait, who's here?
- More like her.
What do you mean like her?
Hold on. I don't think
that's such a good idea.
Dad, I can handle it.
- He can handle it.
He doesn't have a choice.
Don't do anything brave.
What's happening?
- Better get back inside.
Jeep, come on!
Everybody stay calm!
Okay, we're locked in here,
so what the fuck we're doin' now?
All right, Rambo. You got us up here.
You mind telling us what we're fighting?
Listen!
You hear what I'm hearing?
What the hell is that?
- Sounds almost like...
Ice cream?
Can't be fucking serious, right?
There's a safety switch on the side of your weapon,
push it all the way down., two clicks.
Now when this starts, you hold on tight.
Otherwise you're gonna blow your hand off.
What the fuck are you all looking at me for?
Audrey. Honey, listen.
It's the Ice Cream Man.
Oh, man, he don't look that bad.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
Oh, damn it!
Get ready.
Is that it?
Now! Shoot now!
They're just regular people.
- Not anymore! Keep firing!
Don't let them get near the windows.
Howard!
See what you made me do, mother?
There you are!
We got them running.
Let me go! He's alive!
He's out there!
He's out there.
- He's gone.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
Thanks.
I told you not to do anything brave.
We got them running.
What happened?
- Someone needs to be on the roof.
I'll go.
- Hold on.
You better start talking.
The last time God lost faith
in man he sent a flood.
This time, he sent
what you see outside.
Are you saying this is the Apocalypse?
I'm saying this is an extermination.
Those things outside are just vessels,
they're possessed ,
the weakest willed are the easiest to turn.
Possessed by what?
Demons?
No...
By angels.
Hold on. I don't know what
book you've been reading
but in my version the
angels are good guys.
Well the truth, I'm afraid,
is never that simple.
Bullshit. I'm not a pastor,
but I've never heard of no
Ice Cream Man, or old lady eating raw meat,
jumping on the ceiling with baby teeth.
So I don't know what the so much about them?
- Hold on. How do you know so much about them?
Because until last night,
I was on their side.
So you're saying you...
- Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Yesterday I was fucking Santa Claus.
You know this is crazy, right?
I mean....
I don't even believe in God.
Well that's just fine, Bob, he
doesn't believe in you either.
He doesn't believe in
any of this anymore.
I knew this day was coming,
I just didn't think I'd be around to see it.
Come on, Percy!
What are we even talking about this for?
Angels, and possessed people.
It's not real! It's...
Have you looked outside, Bob?
I mean , those people aren't exactly
our regular customers!
So, are you here to protect us?
No, not you.
Her.
Me?
Why me?
Because your child is the
only hope humanity has of survival.
Wait just a minute,
this can't be happening
I'm nobody,
I'm just a waitress.
I don't even own a car.
- None of that matters anymore.
Either your child lives
or mankind dies.
So we're supposed to hold those things off
until the baby gets here?
That's it.
I'm only eight months pregnant.
This shit can't be happening, man.
How are we supposed to
survive here for a month?
We won't have to.
It's coming soon, isn't it?
- Yes.
Listen. I simply don't care
what you people believe.
And those things outside,
they don't care either.
They just want the child dead.
Now, this first attack was
a test of our strength.
The next will be a test
of our weakness.
Now we can sit here and discuss it
or you can try to help me.
But believe me. Something
much worse is on the way.
Sons of bitches.
They're out there,
I can feel them.
So what's with that gun?
- What?
Your piece. The one you
killed grandma with.
Don't reckon it's for
hunting buck.
I use it for protection.
- Protection from what?
From people.
- People?
People that be starting shit.
- Regular people, or just...
No. Not regular regular
people, but you know...
Irregular people, then.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
I got my reasons for doing
what I do, and that's that.
I've never actually
used it, all right?
I may have flashed it, scared a few
folks but,
it never actually fired off.
Not until today.
This shit is crazy, man.
When I was a kid...
my father would sit by my bed every night
before I went to sleep.
And he'd say to me:
"Percy, if you don't wake up tomorrow,
if it turns out that today
is your last day on earth.
Will you be proud of
what you've done in this life?
cuz if you ain't...
you better start
getting square."
Fuck it.
On the house.
- Thank you.
You hungry?
- No.
Just because it's the end of the world
doesn't mean you have to starve.
I'm just happy we still have the gas on.
I never really cared much for beer..
Howard was the beer
drinker in the family.
So what did you do?
You know before you came here.
I was a soldier.
A general in His army.
So what changed?
What made you leave?
I was given an order
I didn't believe in.
He lost faith.
I didn't.
How come you still have faith?
I mean, seems like everything I have faith in
cost me nothin but trouble.
When God chose your kind
as the object of his love....
I was the first in all of heaven
to bow down before you.
My love and my hope for
mankind hasn't lessened yet.
But I have watched you trample that gift.
I've watched you kill each
other over race and greed.
Waging war over dust, rubble
and words in old books.
And yet in the midst of all this darkness
I see some people who will not be bowed.
I see some people
who will not give up.
Even when they know hope is lost.
Some people, who realize that being
lost is so close to being found.
I see you, Jeep.
Fifteen years old, your mother leaves you,
your father withdraws from the world.
And you spend the next five years of your life
helping him find his way home.
You love a woman, who has the child of another,
and you love her making a fool of yourself.
Even though you know she may never
love you the way you love her.
You, Jeep.
You are the reason I still have faith.
It's almost time for the next shift.
You have a question?
I question myself.
So should you.
Since their creation, He's
told us only to love them.
I can not stop.
They brought this judgment upon themselves.
- They are just lost.
It's our place to guide them.
It's my place to obey.
Tell me, Gabriel.
Do you wish to give Him what
He wants...or what He needs?
It's not your test, Michael.
How dare you listen to His heart?
- Because He made this one.
It tells me we shouldn't
lose faith now.
It's too late.
The order has been given.
The weak will turn against the strong,
and we will undo what has been done?
And if you defy Him...
You'll anger Him for the last time.
What if I failed...
Lord's coming to man whether he wishes or not.
The dogs of heaven will be released.
Sandra
Sandra
Howarde?
Howarde.
Help me!
What are you doing?
- He's alive! Let me go!
Mom, what are you doing?
Mom, stop!
Your father is alive!
- He's not, mom!
Let go of me!
God!
No, don't!
Percy?
It's my fault.
I fell asleep.
Dad...
- Don't!
I did this he trusted me.
Just like your mother, I let him down.
Let everybody down.
Here. Mom, If you take
these you'll feel better, Ok?
This is your fault.
We were only here because of you.
We sacrificed everything for you.
No. You wanted to go.
You said you wanted.
I loved my house.
I loved my life,
and you have ruined it.
You ruined everything!
Everything!
- Enough.
You're just gonna sit here
and torture your daughter like this?
Can you come help me
find a station that actually works?
Wait! Guys, almost got it...
I'm hearin' something!
If you're hearing my voice,
we're getting the first bits
of good news since this
Apocalypse began,
nearly 48 hours ago.
A militia has formed on
the outskirts of Las Vegas
and has begun to
engage those affected.
Getting unconfirmed reports
of other militias gathering
in Death Valley, Zion and
Red Ridge National Park.
Red Ridge, that's only
an hour from here.
Does that mean we can leave?
- No.
We're not going anywhere.
- What?
I don't know about you,
but I gotta get fuck out of here.
I won't risk being on the
move when the baby comes.
It's too dangerous.
Dangerous?
What the fuck you mean too dangerous?
...strength to survive. And
have mercy for those
who are already lost.
You okay?
The craziest thing is
I don't want this baby.
I even went down to the
clinic, did you know that?
I remember sitting in
the waiting room...
absolutely sure I was
doing the right thing.
Then I started getting this feeling...
Like if I was, falling into the deepest,
darkest hole imaginable.
I couldn't breathe and
either couldn't speak.
I kept thinking this must be
what death feels like.
And when they called my name,
I just ran.
For a long time I...
I always thought that I could
go back whenever I'd want.
And end it like,
I'd planned.
But then I started getting
that damn feeling again
I knew I had no choice.
Somehow this had already been decided.
It made me just...
Made me hate this
thing growing inside me.
You shouldn't say
things like that, Charlie.
It ain't right.
You'll get through this,
I know you will..
Why do you have so much
faith in me, Jeep?
God knows I've never given
you or anybody a reason to.
Or is it just that you don't have any other
hard-luck cases to follow around, is that it?
No. You're not the only one who’s
had it hard around here, okay?
Let me know when you stop
feeling sorry for yourself.
So now you just have to...
- Two clicks. All the way down.
I dated a marine last summer.
He was kind of a gun freak.
My parents hated him.
- I bet they did.
My mom was right. It is
my fault we are here.
She didn't mean that.
- Yes, she did...
It's true.
I mean the only reason why we're
moving is because of me.
They thought my friends
were a bad influence.
But I was the bad influence.
So really fucked up.
When I was a shorty, the
only time my old man ever
gave me attention was
when I did something bad.
So you know what I did, right?
- What?
I got really good at being bad.
The problem is, when you get older,
when you have a family,
being bad is not so good.
Is it over?
Are we back in business?
- No, I don't think so.
You better go downstairs
- No, I can handle it.
Get downstairs.
- No. I can handle it.
Take this, just in case.
Get ready.
Wait a minute.
- Kyle, are they...?
Kyle!
It's a trap!
They see them coming
and turn their lights on.
Hey! Get back in your car!
Get back in your car!
Daddy!
They not gonna make it!
Get in the car!
Don't, you're gonna hit him!
What the hell is that guy doing?
Don't open the door.
If you do, we all die.
Now what?
Fooled you.
Damn it to hell!
Oh no. Audrey.
You're gonna die now.
She's just a kid,
you can't let her die.
I swear if you don't
do something, I will.
Wait. You stay here.
Open the door.
Come on!
Run!
I'll get some water.
- Jeep!
Don't be scared. I just want
to play with your baby.
Are you hurt?
- Where is he?
What the hell?
Oh God.
It's coming.
Wait , just because I'm a girl does not mean
I know how to do this.
Be calm and do exactly as I tell you.
- How do you know what to do?
Koji naèin za donošenje
djeteta na svijet.
What the fuck is that?
- He's coming.
We need to hurry now.
- What do you mean hurry?
This isn't exactly something we can hurry.
- Charlie, I need you to push now.
You push like you never pushed before.
Push!
Michael, who is coming?
- Push!
How many bullets do you have left?
Come on!
That’s good!
Charlie, you did it!
You did it.
It's okay, no,
it's okay, your baby is fine.
Look.
It's all right.
Give her some time.
Audrey.
Mom...
It's here , he is alive.
He's beautiful.
I remember when you were a baby..
You used to look at me just like that,
just like that.
Audrey, I'm sorry about
what I said to you before.
I didn't mean it.
- Yeah.
You're the most precious
thing in the world to me.
It's just you and me now.
- I know.
Are we safe now?
- No.
Now, at least, the child
will have a chance...
to grow up.
A chance to lead the
world out of darkness.
What happens until then?
You'll need to show him how.
What makes you think I can do that?
What makes you think I want to do that?
If he's so important,
why don't you take him?
Because his journey is yours.
Michael, we need to go.
The possessed can't go near the child,
but he sent someone who can, someone like me.
Like you?
- Gabriel.
He's come here to do
what I wouldn't.
You were the one who was
supposed to kill the baby?
That's the order you didn't obey?
We need to go.
- What is he talking about?
Go grab whatever weapons we have left.
- What are you talking about?
We need to go now!
- Tell me! - Now!
The baby. The baby was
never meant to be born.
But the future has been unwritten.
The child lives.
And while he does, there's still hope.
Audrey!
Mom!
- Come, come.
What are you doing?
- I heard them say.
They just want the baby.
I'm gonna give them the baby.
Then they'll let us go!
- Give him back to me!
Why!? You didn't even want
him in the first place!
Come on, Audrey.
Audrey, come with me!
It's just one baby.
It's just one baby.
No!
No, Jeep, not now!
The child! Get the
child out of here!
What about you?
- Don't be afraid.
Find the Prophets. Learn to
read the instructions.
Prophets? What Prophets? What instructions?
- Go!
I knew he'd send you, Gabriel.
You were always so eager to please Him.
Unlike you.
The rebellious son.
Your wings. They would
have helped you now.
To not feel that burden is a dream.
You think you can defy Him
and not pay the price?
The child lives.
It doesn't matter what happens to me.
Yours is a fools sacrifice, Michael.
You can help them run
but they won't escape.
Neither will you, my brother.
I'm not running anymore.
That's enough.
There's another way.
There is no other way.
That's enough.
You wanted to live like one of them.
Now you die like one of them.
Jeep. Your arm.
The instructions.
Sorry. We're out of business.
We're here.
Okay ,we need to figure out
our weapon situation.
Hopefully Michael didn't take
everything out of the car.
Look around.
I've got a flare gun and a couple of...
Audrey, flare gun!
Do it!
Jeep, do it!
Jeep?
The baby?
- Alive.
Audrey?
Give me the child.
No.
Then death will come to you both.
No!
Why do you continue to fight?
When you know all hope is lost.
Fuck you.
This can't be.
You've disobeyed Him.
You gave Him what he asked.
I gave Him what he needed.
Kill me.
Kill me!
Just kill me!
No.
I wouldn't have shown you such mercy.
I know.
That's why you have failed Him.
They are waiting for you.
- Where are you going?
- Don't ask. It's your job to keep the baby safe now.
Will I see you again?
Have faith.
When I was a little girl,
my mother spoke of a prophecy.
Of a time when all the world would be covered in darkness
and the fate of mankind would be decided.
One night I finally got up the courage to ask my mother
why God was so mad
at his children.
"I don't know," she said,
tucking the covers around me,
"I guess he just got tired
of all the bullshit."
my mother would remind me
each night before bed
to open up my heart to God,
for he was kind,merciful and just.
Things changed when my
father left a few years later...
leaving her to raise me and my brothers in a little place
on the edge of the Mojave Desert.
She never talked of a
kind, merciful God again.
Instead she spoke of a prophecy....
Of a time when all the world
would be covered in darkness,
and the fate of mankind
would be decided.
One night I finally got up
the courage to ask my mother
Why God had changed?
Why he was so mad at his children?
"I don't know," she said,
tucking the covers around me.
"I guess he just got tired
of all the bullshit."
Goddamn animals.
In nights like this I'd like to take a match to this city so
I could watch all these motherfuckers burn.
Just a good ol' boy barbecue, eh?
A fresh start.
That’s what this place needs.
Stop! Drop the bags,
put your hands on your head!
It’s starting.
There isn’t much time.
Shut the fuck up and drop the bags now!
Hands on your head!
On your head!
Turn around!
Turn the fuck around!
Let him go!
Let him fuck...
Burton!
What are you doing, Michael?
These weren't your orders.
What is he saying?
No, I'm following my own orders now.
Then you will die along with the child.
Burton, you fucking know this guy?
What the hell is...
You okay, Jeep?
Sorry I woke you, Charlie.
-Yeah.
Wasn't you.
He's been kicking up a storm all night.
Must know something I don't.
Another bad dream?
It's just stress, Jeep, that's all.
You do too much worrying.
About this place,
about your dad.
About me.
You're the only thing I
like to worry about.
See what I mean?
You're worried about a girl that's eight months pregnant,
and it isn't your baby.
It's enough to give
anybody nightmares.
Go ahead and make fun of me.
Everybody else does.
- Come on.
You know how much I appreciate everything
that you and Bob are doing for me.
By the month from now,
this baby will have a new family.
I need to start to think about what the hell
I'm gonna do with my life.
You're still going through with it?
I'm not ready to be a mama.
Christ, I can barely take care of myself as it is.
I can help you.
We can do it together, you know.
I want to.
You got to stop carrying the weight of the world
on your shoulders, Jeep.
I don't know whether I like it very much being
seen around with an angel without any wings.
I've got to earn them and
you'll help me, won't you so?
Lord as my witness, Bob, one of these days that
thing's gonna hit you back.
What are you talking about, Percy?
We got a special relationship here.
Yeah, they got names for that kind of relationship.
It's disgusting.
You're right.
It is disgusting.
Really. How can she go out
in public looking like that?
I don't know.
Why don't we just ask her?
Howard, don't.
You'll embarrass me.
Audrey, honey?
Your mother was wondering
if you got dressed this morning
with the specific intention
of showing your ass off to the entire world?
It's because I woke up hoping to get
double teamed by a couple of
meth head truckers
in some bathroom of a desert shithole.
It's good that we got stuck here.
I feel satisfied with that answer.
I really do.
I'm being punished for something, I know it.
Shit.
Next service in fifty miles.
Fifty miles?
Merry Christmas.
- What's so merry about it?
You know that shit isn't good for the baby.
Guess I should think
about quitting, then.
Before you quit,
can I get one from you?
You can buy a whole pack inside.
How about I get one from you, and I give you
two from the pack you're gonna sell me in there?
I'm kind of lost.
Am I right here?
- Not even close.
Son of a bitch...
Are there any phone around
here that actually work?
Bob will probably let you use the diner phone
if you ask him nice.
Maybe pay him a little something.
- I think I can handle that.
You got anything in there to eat?
Pancakes, or...
Yup. We got a buttermilk
stack for three seventy-five,
French toast for four
dollars if you're into that.
Personally I like the pancakes though.
You okay, Charlie?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
This guy is just lost.
Who is that?
What do you want me to do?
- Talk to him.
Things should have been
ready two goddamn hours ago.
I hope Salem Lights are
all right, that's all we got left.
Charlie, where have you been?
It's not a resort, we've
got orders stacking up.
You best not be smoking again.
Not in your condition.
- Bob, see where I'm at right now?
Can my condition really get any worse?
Besides, you ain't one to talk.
- What? I quit two years ago.
Yeah? So why are you still carrying that
fancy lighter around?
It's a gift from my ex-wife...
I'm sentimental.
I want to remember how much I hate her guts.
Hey, man, you got a phone I can use?
My cell phone ain't got no reception,
and the phone booth outside is busted.
Excuse me, is there any news about
when our car might be fixed?
You said your boy would have us back
on the road two hours ago.
And I gotta say this...
The rate we're going, we'll be lucky
to make it to Scottsdale by Christmas.
Hey?! Hood's up on this beamer.
That mean anything to you?
Yeah.
What the hell are you working on that's so
damn important you're not doing your job?
-Nothing.
I found it under a bunch of
stuff in the storage shed.
I know you never liked
throw anything away so...
What are you doing?
- What?
Look Jeep, I like Charlie. I do.
And I think it's really nice you're
giving her a helping hand... - Leave me alone!
- She's not your responsibility!
Hey! Don't you walk away from me
when I'm talking to you!
How long you gonna follow her around
like a little puppy dog looking for higher teet?
Cleaning up whole mess work she makes while
she steps out with every guy but you?
Don't say that about her!
She's not like that.
Look. I know it doesn't make
much sense to you.
I know it doesn't make sense to me either.
I've been having these
dreams about her.
Some of them so bad...
I wish I'd never have
to sleep again.
I can't explain it, dad.
I just feel like it's
something I got to do.
You know your mother thought
I was crazy wanting to buy this place..
Moving us all the way up here, in the middle of nowhere.
But I just knew it was
something I had to do.
I couldn't explain it either.
Just like you.
I told your mother: "Trust me".
"You just wait and see,
when they build that big mall out there,
with all the superstores like they've been planning
on for years, this place is going to be a goldmine."
Only problem was: I was wrong.
They went and built the whole
damned thing in another county,
and I looked pretty damn stupid.
And I see you making
the same damn mistake I made.
Believing in something that's
never going to happen.
You listen to me, son. It's
time for you to leave here.
I don't want to see you wake up one day
old and pissed off, realizing you're lost,
just like everybody else
that stops here.
Go on. Fix the car.
I want these people out
of here by nightfall.
He's about this close
to wrapping it up.
What is wrong with you today?
I told you to get the satellite TV.
But you didn't want to listen.
What the hell do I need that crap for?
- The History Channel, man.
I got all the history I can take.
That's for sure.
- What's your beef now?
You don’t need to be
watching this anyway.
All right baby. This is
gonna be it, right here.
Clear as day.
What the hell is that?
Well, they're testing something.
"This is not a test"
That doesn't look like a test.
- Can I just use the phone?
It's back past the kitchen.
Excuse me, but if this
were an actual emergency,
wouldn't they be giving us
instructions on what to do?
Percy, check out that old radio of yours,
see if there's any news about the TV.
Put my little man on the phone.
Because a father is supposed to be able
to talk to his son, that’s why.
I don't care what your lawyer said, I got my own lawyer,
now put him on the god damn phone.
Hello?
Your phone is breaking
up, do you hear me?
Shit.
Maybe there was an earthquake.
- A lot of people in the desert.
Not if it was centered in the desert.
- Yeah, could be nothing to worry about.
So why is the TV out?
- Maybe it was terrorists.
Oh God.
- For crying out loud, there's no use speculating.
I'll just call my brother up in Needles,
he'll probably know something.
I don't think so.
- What do you mean?
I was just on the phone,
the shit cut off in the middle of my conversation.
I want my money back.
- This is perfect,absolutely perfect.
Hey hey, everybody.
Simmer down.
There's nothing to get excited about,
they're probably just working on the lines.
Besides, Jeep's going to have your car fixed in a jiffy,
then you can be on your way, so...
Good.
Have a seat wherever you want ma'am.
Specials are on the board.
I already know what I want.
- Okay. What will it be?
I'll have a steak, please.
- How would you like it?
Rare, if you would.
And water, no ice.
Coming right up.
- Charlie, is it?
Yeah.
- Unusual name for a girl.
So they say. I'll be right
back with your water.
Hello, I'm Gladys.
Gladys Foster.
Oh, hello Gladys, it's
so nice to meet you.
I'm Sandra. And this is
my husband, Howard.
What a nice looking young couple.
What brings you up to these parts?
We're on our way to Scottsdale, but our car
broke down and we're stuck here until it's fixed.
What a nuisance.
Gladys, the lines seem to
be down around here,
the phone and the TV and I was just wondering
if you might have heard something on your way up,
about what's going on?
Oh, you don't have to worry
about that, sweetheart.
It'll all be over soon.
Okay.
So what are we looking at?
- I don't know.
It's probably something wrong with the computer,
but we don't have the gear to test it here.
Oh, shit.
They're gonna be pissed.
Just tell them we'll
call it in and tow it.
That's not gonna happen.
The phone's out.
What?
- Yeah.
Thank you, dear.
How far along are you?
Oh, just about there.
The father must be very proud.
I wouldn't know. He's
out of sight, out of mind.
I see.
So I take it you're not married?
- No.
That's too bad.
- No, I prefer it that way.
I don't need a man telling me what to do.
But what about the baby?
- I've got it under control.
But it's gonna burn.
What did you just say?
- I said your fucking baby's gonna burn.
Go to hell, lady.
Fucking Jesus freak.
- What happened?
All little babies are gonna burn.
- Gladys...
Shut up you stupid fucking cunt.
All you do is complain, complain, complain!
What?
What? What?
- Harold, no...
I don't know who the hell you think you are,
but I'd like you to apologize to my...
You're all going to fucking die!
What the fuck, man?
Shoot her, Jeep!
You will never save her.
Upucaj kuju!
Shoot that bitch!
Somebody help me!
Don't look at me like that.
I’m trying to help.
Calm down.
Keep pressure on his neck.
Easy.
How far is it to the hospital?
- How the hell did she do that ?
I don't know. I don't know.
- 70, maybe 80 miles.
80 miles? I'll get there as soon as
I can but I can't steer.
Please drive faster.
- Okay.
What the hell is that?
It's clouds, what do you think they are?
Clouds don't buzz!
I can't believe she was still standing after Percy
hit her with that frying pan.
He broke her fucking
neck, I saw it, I swear.
Did you see the gun that guy had?
What's a guy doing with a gun like that?
Hey, Jeep. It's alright, son.
I couldn't pull the trigger.
I froze.
I saw what I needed to do.
But I was too afraid.
She would've killed you.
She would've killed Charlie.
Hey! You ain't got nothing
to be ashamed of...
You hear me, son?
Not everybody can play the hero.
Especially when it comes
to pulling the trigger.
What happened?
What's going on?
Gonna get my Bible!
- What for?
Somebody's gotta start praying.
Jesus, she's burning up.
How is that possible?
She's been dead for an hour.
I don't care how long she's been dead.
The bitch just walked on the ceiling.
She ain't staying in here.
The old bitch is heavy.
Hold her up.
Where are the flies?
- How am I supposed to know?
Are you asking me to explain the behavior
of a motherfucking pestilence?
Hey. Somebody's coming.
Što sad?
All right. Now we're talking.
- Wait a second ? LAPD?
I'm from Vegas, man.
- Give me the gun.
Oh my God.
Charlie, wait.
Take one more step and
I'll drop you right there.
Is that how you greet
all your customers?
Mister, after what we've been through
you're lucky we don't shoot you first
and greet you later.
Let me see your teeth.
Teeth, goddamn it!
Let me see them!
No sharp teeth, Pop.
Okay then, how about
you tell us your name?
Michael.
Sorry about that, Michael.
We had this old lady here,
went crazy in my place.
She had these teeth.
Never seen anything like it.
Practically bit a man in half.
What are you doing out here, anyway?
You don't look like any
policeman I ever saw.
Even the ones from L.A.
Ali mora biti, je li tako?
But he's got to be, right?
Who'd be crazy enough to steal a cop car?
You don't know, do you?
- Don't know what?
We don't know anything.
Nothing works,
the TV, the radio, the phone.
I'm running out of time.
- Hold on there, fella.
You better start talking or
get the hell out of here.
Dad, just tell him you're sorry.
Now I'm sure you don't
want to go spilling blood
for no good reason, in front
of all these decent people.
What do you say? Just let Bob go and then
you will be on your way, nice and easy.
They're here.
You're gonna need this.
Wait, who's here?
- More like her.
What do you mean like her?
Hold on. I don't think
that's such a good idea.
Dad, I can handle it.
- He can handle it.
He doesn't have a choice.
Don't do anything brave.
What's happening?
- Better get back inside.
Jeep, come on!
Everybody stay calm!
Okay, we're locked in here,
so what the fuck we're doin' now?
All right, Rambo. You got us up here.
You mind telling us what we're fighting?
Listen!
You hear what I'm hearing?
What the hell is that?
- Sounds almost like...
Ice cream?
Can't be fucking serious, right?
There's a safety switch on the side of your weapon,
push it all the way down., two clicks.
Now when this starts, you hold on tight.
Otherwise you're gonna blow your hand off.
What the fuck are you all looking at me for?
Audrey. Honey, listen.
It's the Ice Cream Man.
Oh, man, he don't look that bad.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
Oh, damn it!
Get ready.
Is that it?
Now! Shoot now!
They're just regular people.
- Not anymore! Keep firing!
Don't let them get near the windows.
Howard!
See what you made me do, mother?
There you are!
We got them running.
Let me go! He's alive!
He's out there!
He's out there.
- He's gone.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
Thanks.
I told you not to do anything brave.
We got them running.
What happened?
- Someone needs to be on the roof.
I'll go.
- Hold on.
You better start talking.
The last time God lost faith
in man he sent a flood.
This time, he sent
what you see outside.
Are you saying this is the Apocalypse?
I'm saying this is an extermination.
Those things outside are just vessels,
they're possessed ,
the weakest willed are the easiest to turn.
Possessed by what?
Demons?
No...
By angels.
Hold on. I don't know what
book you've been reading
but in my version the
angels are good guys.
Well the truth, I'm afraid,
is never that simple.
Bullshit. I'm not a pastor,
but I've never heard of no
Ice Cream Man, or old lady eating raw meat,
jumping on the ceiling with baby teeth.
So I don't know what the so much about them?
- Hold on. How do you know so much about them?
Because until last night,
I was on their side.
So you're saying you...
- Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Yesterday I was fucking Santa Claus.
You know this is crazy, right?
I mean....
I don't even believe in God.
Well that's just fine, Bob, he
doesn't believe in you either.
He doesn't believe in
any of this anymore.
I knew this day was coming,
I just didn't think I'd be around to see it.
Come on, Percy!
What are we even talking about this for?
Angels, and possessed people.
It's not real! It's...
Have you looked outside, Bob?
I mean , those people aren't exactly
our regular customers!
So, are you here to protect us?
No, not you.
Her.
Me?
Why me?
Because your child is the
only hope humanity has of survival.
Wait just a minute,
this can't be happening
I'm nobody,
I'm just a waitress.
I don't even own a car.
- None of that matters anymore.
Either your child lives
or mankind dies.
So we're supposed to hold those things off
until the baby gets here?
That's it.
I'm only eight months pregnant.
This shit can't be happening, man.
How are we supposed to
survive here for a month?
We won't have to.
It's coming soon, isn't it?
- Yes.
Listen. I simply don't care
what you people believe.
And those things outside,
they don't care either.
They just want the child dead.
Now, this first attack was
a test of our strength.
The next will be a test
of our weakness.
Now we can sit here and discuss it
or you can try to help me.
But believe me. Something
much worse is on the way.
Sons of bitches.
They're out there,
I can feel them.
So what's with that gun?
- What?
Your piece. The one you
killed grandma with.
Don't reckon it's for
hunting buck.
I use it for protection.
- Protection from what?
From people.
- People?
People that be starting shit.
- Regular people, or just...
No. Not regular regular
people, but you know...
Irregular people, then.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
I got my reasons for doing
what I do, and that's that.
I've never actually
used it, all right?
I may have flashed it, scared a few
folks but,
it never actually fired off.
Not until today.
This shit is crazy, man.
When I was a kid...
my father would sit by my bed every night
before I went to sleep.
And he'd say to me:
"Percy, if you don't wake up tomorrow,
if it turns out that today
is your last day on earth.
Will you be proud of
what you've done in this life?
cuz if you ain't...
you better start
getting square."
Fuck it.
On the house.
- Thank you.
You hungry?
- No.
Just because it's the end of the world
doesn't mean you have to starve.
I'm just happy we still have the gas on.
I never really cared much for beer..
Howard was the beer
drinker in the family.
So what did you do?
You know before you came here.
I was a soldier.
A general in His army.
So what changed?
What made you leave?
I was given an order
I didn't believe in.
He lost faith.
I didn't.
How come you still have faith?
I mean, seems like everything I have faith in
cost me nothin but trouble.
When God chose your kind
as the object of his love....
I was the first in all of heaven
to bow down before you.
My love and my hope for
mankind hasn't lessened yet.
But I have watched you trample that gift.
I've watched you kill each
other over race and greed.
Waging war over dust, rubble
and words in old books.
And yet in the midst of all this darkness
I see some people who will not be bowed.
I see some people
who will not give up.
Even when they know hope is lost.
Some people, who realize that being
lost is so close to being found.
I see you, Jeep.
Fifteen years old, your mother leaves you,
your father withdraws from the world.
And you spend the next five years of your life
helping him find his way home.
You love a woman, who has the child of another,
and you love her making a fool of yourself.
Even though you know she may never
love you the way you love her.
You, Jeep.
You are the reason I still have faith.
It's almost time for the next shift.
You have a question?
I question myself.
So should you.
Since their creation, He's
told us only to love them.
I can not stop.
They brought this judgment upon themselves.
- They are just lost.
It's our place to guide them.
It's my place to obey.
Tell me, Gabriel.
Do you wish to give Him what
He wants...or what He needs?
It's not your test, Michael.
How dare you listen to His heart?
- Because He made this one.
It tells me we shouldn't
lose faith now.
It's too late.
The order has been given.
The weak will turn against the strong,
and we will undo what has been done?
And if you defy Him...
You'll anger Him for the last time.
What if I failed...
Lord's coming to man whether he wishes or not.
The dogs of heaven will be released.
Sandra
Sandra
Howarde?
Howarde.
Help me!
What are you doing?
- He's alive! Let me go!
Mom, what are you doing?
Mom, stop!
Your father is alive!
- He's not, mom!
Let go of me!
God!
No, don't!
Percy?
It's my fault.
I fell asleep.
Dad...
- Don't!
I did this he trusted me.
Just like your mother, I let him down.
Let everybody down.
Here. Mom, If you take
these you'll feel better, Ok?
This is your fault.
We were only here because of you.
We sacrificed everything for you.
No. You wanted to go.
You said you wanted.
I loved my house.
I loved my life,
and you have ruined it.
You ruined everything!
Everything!
- Enough.
You're just gonna sit here
and torture your daughter like this?
Can you come help me
find a station that actually works?
Wait! Guys, almost got it...
I'm hearin' something!
If you're hearing my voice,
we're getting the first bits
of good news since this
Apocalypse began,
nearly 48 hours ago.
A militia has formed on
the outskirts of Las Vegas
and has begun to
engage those affected.
Getting unconfirmed reports
of other militias gathering
in Death Valley, Zion and
Red Ridge National Park.
Red Ridge, that's only
an hour from here.
Does that mean we can leave?
- No.
We're not going anywhere.
- What?
I don't know about you,
but I gotta get fuck out of here.
I won't risk being on the
move when the baby comes.
It's too dangerous.
Dangerous?
What the fuck you mean too dangerous?
...strength to survive. And
have mercy for those
who are already lost.
You okay?
The craziest thing is
I don't want this baby.
I even went down to the
clinic, did you know that?
I remember sitting in
the waiting room...
absolutely sure I was
doing the right thing.
Then I started getting this feeling...
Like if I was, falling into the deepest,
darkest hole imaginable.
I couldn't breathe and
either couldn't speak.
I kept thinking this must be
what death feels like.
And when they called my name,
I just ran.
For a long time I...
I always thought that I could
go back whenever I'd want.
And end it like,
I'd planned.
But then I started getting
that damn feeling again
I knew I had no choice.
Somehow this had already been decided.
It made me just...
Made me hate this
thing growing inside me.
You shouldn't say
things like that, Charlie.
It ain't right.
You'll get through this,
I know you will..
Why do you have so much
faith in me, Jeep?
God knows I've never given
you or anybody a reason to.
Or is it just that you don't have any other
hard-luck cases to follow around, is that it?
No. You're not the only one who’s
had it hard around here, okay?
Let me know when you stop
feeling sorry for yourself.
So now you just have to...
- Two clicks. All the way down.
I dated a marine last summer.
He was kind of a gun freak.
My parents hated him.
- I bet they did.
My mom was right. It is
my fault we are here.
She didn't mean that.
- Yes, she did...
It's true.
I mean the only reason why we're
moving is because of me.
They thought my friends
were a bad influence.
But I was the bad influence.
So really fucked up.
When I was a shorty, the
only time my old man ever
gave me attention was
when I did something bad.
So you know what I did, right?
- What?
I got really good at being bad.
The problem is, when you get older,
when you have a family,
being bad is not so good.
Is it over?
Are we back in business?
- No, I don't think so.
You better go downstairs
- No, I can handle it.
Get downstairs.
- No. I can handle it.
Take this, just in case.
Get ready.
Wait a minute.
- Kyle, are they...?
Kyle!
It's a trap!
They see them coming
and turn their lights on.
Hey! Get back in your car!
Get back in your car!
Daddy!
They not gonna make it!
Get in the car!
Don't, you're gonna hit him!
What the hell is that guy doing?
Don't open the door.
If you do, we all die.
Now what?
Fooled you.
Damn it to hell!
Oh no. Audrey.
You're gonna die now.
She's just a kid,
you can't let her die.
I swear if you don't
do something, I will.
Wait. You stay here.
Open the door.
Come on!
Run!
I'll get some water.
- Jeep!
Don't be scared. I just want
to play with your baby.
Are you hurt?
- Where is he?
What the hell?
Oh God.
It's coming.
Wait , just because I'm a girl does not mean
I know how to do this.
Be calm and do exactly as I tell you.
- How do you know what to do?
Koji naèin za donošenje
djeteta na svijet.
What the fuck is that?
- He's coming.
We need to hurry now.
- What do you mean hurry?
This isn't exactly something we can hurry.
- Charlie, I need you to push now.
You push like you never pushed before.
Push!
Michael, who is coming?
- Push!
How many bullets do you have left?
Come on!
That’s good!
Charlie, you did it!
You did it.
It's okay, no,
it's okay, your baby is fine.
Look.
It's all right.
Give her some time.
Audrey.
Mom...
It's here , he is alive.
He's beautiful.
I remember when you were a baby..
You used to look at me just like that,
just like that.
Audrey, I'm sorry about
what I said to you before.
I didn't mean it.
- Yeah.
You're the most precious
thing in the world to me.
It's just you and me now.
- I know.
Are we safe now?
- No.
Now, at least, the child
will have a chance...
to grow up.
A chance to lead the
world out of darkness.
What happens until then?
You'll need to show him how.
What makes you think I can do that?
What makes you think I want to do that?
If he's so important,
why don't you take him?
Because his journey is yours.
Michael, we need to go.
The possessed can't go near the child,
but he sent someone who can, someone like me.
Like you?
- Gabriel.
He's come here to do
what I wouldn't.
You were the one who was
supposed to kill the baby?
That's the order you didn't obey?
We need to go.
- What is he talking about?
Go grab whatever weapons we have left.
- What are you talking about?
We need to go now!
- Tell me! - Now!
The baby. The baby was
never meant to be born.
But the future has been unwritten.
The child lives.
And while he does, there's still hope.
Audrey!
Mom!
- Come, come.
What are you doing?
- I heard them say.
They just want the baby.
I'm gonna give them the baby.
Then they'll let us go!
- Give him back to me!
Why!? You didn't even want
him in the first place!
Come on, Audrey.
Audrey, come with me!
It's just one baby.
It's just one baby.
No!
No, Jeep, not now!
The child! Get the
child out of here!
What about you?
- Don't be afraid.
Find the Prophets. Learn to
read the instructions.
Prophets? What Prophets? What instructions?
- Go!
I knew he'd send you, Gabriel.
You were always so eager to please Him.
Unlike you.
The rebellious son.
Your wings. They would
have helped you now.
To not feel that burden is a dream.
You think you can defy Him
and not pay the price?
The child lives.
It doesn't matter what happens to me.
Yours is a fools sacrifice, Michael.
You can help them run
but they won't escape.
Neither will you, my brother.
I'm not running anymore.
That's enough.
There's another way.
There is no other way.
That's enough.
You wanted to live like one of them.
Now you die like one of them.
Jeep. Your arm.
The instructions.
Sorry. We're out of business.
We're here.
Okay ,we need to figure out
our weapon situation.
Hopefully Michael didn't take
everything out of the car.
Look around.
I've got a flare gun and a couple of...
Audrey, flare gun!
Do it!
Jeep, do it!
Jeep?
The baby?
- Alive.
Audrey?
Give me the child.
No.
Then death will come to you both.
No!
Why do you continue to fight?
When you know all hope is lost.
Fuck you.
This can't be.
You've disobeyed Him.
You gave Him what he asked.
I gave Him what he needed.
Kill me.
Kill me!
Just kill me!
No.
I wouldn't have shown you such mercy.
I know.
That's why you have failed Him.
They are waiting for you.
- Where are you going?
- Don't ask. It's your job to keep the baby safe now.
Will I see you again?
Have faith.
When I was a little girl,
my mother spoke of a prophecy.
Of a time when all the world would be covered in darkness
and the fate of mankind would be decided.
One night I finally got up the courage to ask my mother
why God was so mad
at his children.
"I don't know," she said,
tucking the covers around me,
"I guess he just got tired
of all the bullshit."
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